Buying condoms

I bought a package of condoms and the cashier asked me "Do you need a bag?" I replied, "No, she isn't that ugly."

Vriginity

A guy and a girl are lying in a dorm-room bed after just having sex. The guy lies on his side of the bed and rests. The girl rolls to her side of the bed and says to herself, ’I finally did it! I’m no longer a virgin.’ The guy overhears her talking to herself and asks, ’Are you saying you lost your virginity to me?’ ’Well,’ the girl explains, ’I always wanted to wait until I was with the man I love to lose my virginity.’ Astounded, the guy replies, ’So you really love me?’ ’Oh God no!’ the girl says. ’I just got sick of waiting.

Teen love

Girl: How much do you love me?
Boy: Look at the sky and count the stars.
Girl: But it's morning...
Boy: Exactly....

Headaches

A man was suffering from severe headaches for years with no relief. After trying all the usual cures he was referred to a headache specialist by his family doctor. The specialist asked him what his symptoms were and he replied, ’I get these blinding headaches kind of like a knife across my scalp and....’ He was interrupted. ’And a heavy throbbing right behind the left ear?’ ’Yes! Exactly! How did you know?’ ’Well I am the world’s greatest headache specialist, but I myself suffered from that same type of headache for many years. It is caused by a tension in the scalp muscles. This is how I cured it: Every day I would give my wife oral sex. When she came she would squeeze her legs together with all her strength and the pressure would relieve the tension in my head. Try that every day for two weeks and come back and let me know how it goes.’ Two weeks went by and the man came back. ’Well, how do you feel?’ the doctor asked. ’Doc, I’m a new man! I feel great! I haven’t had a headache since I started this treatment! I can’t thank you enough. And, by the way....nice house!

Barbie

A man walks into the toy store to get a Barbie doll for his daughter. So he asks the assistant, as you would, "How much is Barbie?" "Well," she says, "we have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00." "Hey, hang on," the guy asks, "why is Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?" "Yeah, well, it's like this....Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture..."

Lipprints

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror. There are teachers, and then there are educators ...

Laughing newborn

A baby was just born. He had all his pieces and looked quite normal, except that he was laughing like crazy. I mean laughing real hard. All the doctors and nurses were examining the little thing, in front of the worried parents, but he kept on laughing, his tiny fists all closed and tears rolling from his eyes. One at a time, a pediatrician unfolded the tiny fingers to check if the hand was all right, and... guess what he found? The birth control pill!

Winnie the Pooh

Winnie the Pooh was based on psychological problems. Pooh has an eating disorder, Piglet suffers from anxiety, Eeyore has major depression, Tigger has ADHD, Rabbit has OCD, and Christopher Robin must be a drug addict if his stuffed animals talk to him.

RIP Justin Bieber

Whoever started that RIP Justin Bieber rumor is sick! It's not nice to get people's hopes up like that.

Orgasm

Me and my girlfriend were talking and it got really intimate, so I told her I could make her scream with one finger. She said 'go ahead' so I poked her in the eye.

The beauty of alcohol

Every girl is beautiful, sometimes it just takes the right amount of alcohol to see it.

During sex

During sex I suddenly stopped and didn't move. She asked: "what are you doing?" "I've seen this on YouPorn, it's called buffering" - I replied.

What?

When a woman says, "What?", it's not because she didn't hear you. She's giving you a chance to change what you said.

Love dress

A young girl gets married and a few days later her mother goes to visit. When she knocks on the door, she is shocked to see her daughter open it naked. "What are you doing?" she asks. "Mom, it's my LOVE dress!! Don't you like it?" I'll come back in a few weeks when the honeymoon is over" replies the mom. When she goes back, she is shocked when once again her daughter is naked. "Now what are you doing?" "Mom, it's my LOVE dress. It keeps the marriage spicy!" Later that night the mom decides to try it for herself. When her husband comes home, he gives the same reaction: "Honey, what are you doing?" she give him the same answer her daughter gave her, "It's my LOVE dress! What do you think of it?" Her husband thinks long and hard and says, "I think you should have ironed it."

Dumb as wall

A guy starts a new job, and the boss says, "If you marry my daughter, I'll make you a partner, give you an expense account, a Mercedes, and a million dollar annual salary." The guy says, "What's wrong with her?" The boss shows him a picture, and she's hideous. The boss says, "It's only fair to tell you, she's not only ugly, she's as dumb as a wall." The guy says, "I don't care what you offer me, it ain't worth it." The boss says, "I'll give you a five million dollar salary and build you a mansion on Long Island." The guy accepts, figuring he can put a bag over her head when they have sex. About a year later, the guy buys an original Van Gogh and he's about to hang it on the wall. He climbs a ladder and yells to his wife, "Bring me a hammer." She mumbles, "Get the hammer. Get the hammer," and she fetches the hammer. The guy says, "Get me some nails." She mumbles, "Get the nails. Get the nails," and she gets him some nails. The guys starts hammering a nail into the wall, he hits his thumb, and he yells, "Fuck!" She mumbles, "Get the bag. Get the bag."

Why?

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, “Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?” The first man approached him and said, “Sir, I don’t wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I’ve ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?” The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then says, "My wifes first husband"

Dancing duck

A man walks into a bar with a metal box under one arm and a duck under the other. The man walks up to the bar and asks the bar tender if you give me a free bottle of beer I'll show you my dancing duck. The barman is surprised, but gives the guy a bud and asks the bloke to show him the duck dancing. So the guy puts the metal box on the bar, and stands the duck on top of it. A few seconds later the duck starts to jump around, as if he's doing an Irish jig. Everyone in the bar is now watching this duck dancing, and the barman offers the guy $50 for the duck and the box. The bloke accepts, and the pub is filled day and night for 3 days with people watching the amazing dancing duck. So 3 days after he sold the barman the duck, the guy walks back in to the pub and sees his duck dancing on the box on top of the bar. The barman sees the guy and offers him a bottle of bud on the house. As he gives the guy the bud, the barman asks, Could you tell me how you stop the duck from dancing on top of the box? The man replies, Oh that's easy, you just take the hot coals out.

What is it?

What is six inches long, two inches wide, has a head on it, and women are crazy for it? Money!!!

Hardest golf course

The Most Difficult Golf Course In The World Is "Women Hole". Any Style You Play As Many Shots You Try. And As Much Perfection You Have. You Can Never Get Your Balls In

Kitty style

A Dog Asked A Cat: “Why Do You Hide When You Are Having Sex?” Cat Replied: “Because We Don’t Want Humans To Copy Our Style, They’ve Already Copied Yours“

Hell

Shut dies and goes to hell. As he's wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with a demon. Demon: "Don't be glum, chum.Hell is actually a lot of fun. You a drinking man?" Guy: "Sure, I love to drink." Demon: "Well, you're gonna love Mondays, then.All we do is drink till we pass out." Guy:"That sounds great." Demon: "You a smoker?" Guy: "You better believe it." Demon: "Then you're gonna love Wednesdays–we just smoke our lungs out. And you can't get cancer, 'cause you're already dead." Guy: "Wow, I never realized hell was such a cool place." Demon: "Bet you like to gamble, too." Guy: "Why, yes, I do." Demon: "You'll love Fridays. We have all-day craps games." Guy: "This is amazing!" Demon: "You gay?" Guy: "Uh, no." Demon: "Oooh...you're gonna hate Saturdays.

Lottery

Woman rushes into her house one morning and yells to her husband, Sam, pack up your stuff. I just won the lottery! Shall I pack for warm weather or cold? Whatever. Just so you're out of the house by noon bitch!!

Saudi Arabic student

A young, rich man from Saudi Arabia came to study in London. After a few weeks, he began to feel like an outsider, so he wrote a letter to his parents: 'Dear Mum and Dad, I don't like it here, I go to college in my 24 carat gold Ferrari and all the teachers and other students come by train. I'm so embarrased'. He then received a check for a million pounds from his parents, along with a note reading: 'Don't embarrass us son, go and buy yourself a train!'

Wife wanted

One day a man inserted an 'advert' in the local classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

World War 2 porn

I saw some porn made during the second World War. The stars were a British soldier and a German woman. The soldier slowly unbuttons the woman's blouse, kissing her neck as he does so. He then unclips her bra to reveal her round, pert breasts. He licks and then sucks gently on her erect nipples. Next, he removes her skirt. She is wearing black stockings and suspenders, with lacy knickers. He nudges her underwear to one side so that he can spread her moist lips, teasing her with his fingers. He then pulls her knickers off completely, and pushes her onto the bed. The Brit looks over the German, in complete control. He kneels down and begins to lap at her pussy, slowly at first, then building up speed. He flicks her clit relentlessly. She starts to moan, clasping the headboard tightly in readiness for the climax. The end is near, and they both know it. She wriggles on the bed, helpless at what is about to happen. At that point, an American soldier kicks down the door, pushes the Brit to one side, and spunks in the German's face.

Pharmacy

A pharmacist walked into his shop to find a man leaning against the wall. "What's wrong with him?" he asked the assistant. "He came in for cough syrup, but I couldn't find any. So I gave him an entire bottle of laxatives.""You fucking idiot .... You can't treat a cough with laxatives!" said the pharmacist." "Of course you can!" replied the assistant, "look at him, he's too fucking scared to cough now!"

School's for nothin

This is a true story of when I was walking through the Amsterdam red light district and one of the ladies propositioned me: "How much love?" "Suck and fuck £25" "Well how much for a suck?" "£20" "So...a fuck's just £5?" Proof that what you get taught at school counts for shit in the real world.

Hooker

This guy was walking down the street and this hooker says, "Say, wanna have a good time?" "Sure," he says and they were off to the nearest motel. She takes off her clothes and he keeps staring at her. She says, "Is this the first pussy you seen since you crawled out of one?" The guy says, "Nope, just the first one I've seen big enough to crawl back into."

Budweiser method

Three men are walking down the street. One is from California, one is from New York, and the last is from St. Louis. A good looking woman walks by ... the man from California states "She’s about an 8." The man from New York states "No, no ... she’s a 6." The man from St. Louis says "Hell no, she’s a 1." The two men look at the guy from St. Louis and turn to each other and say, "Well, she was not that good looking." All three continue walking down the strip. As chance happens another woman walks by. She is more beautiful than the first. The man from California exclaims "9" The man from New York cries "8.5" The man from St. Louis says "2" The man from California and New York State, "I guess it takes all types." Finally an extremely beautiful woman crosses their line of sight. The man from California and New York simultaneously state "10" The man from St. Louis states loudly, "3.5" The man from New York asks the man from St. Louis, "What the hell is wrong with you?" "Are you gay?" "She was beautiful!" The man from St. Louis turns to him and says, "I’m using the Budweiser method." The man from California asks "What is that?" The man from St. Louis responds "The Budweiser method is to see how many Clydesdales it would take to pull her off my face."

Nuns

Sister Mary goes into a liquor store, picks up a bottle of vodka and puts it on the counter. The clerk looks at the bottle, then at the nun and says "miss I can not sell you this bottle out of good conscience because you are a nun" sister Mary replies "oh, but it is not for me, you see sister Teresa is a little constipated and this will help her from the pain she has been having the past couple days." "Well alright" says the clerk "as long as you promise that it is just for sister teresa" the nun agrees, and buys the bottle and walks out the door. A few hours later it is time for the clerk to close up shop, he walks to the front door to lock it when he notices some commotion outside. He steps out the door only to find sister mary, drunk as a skunk, with a huge crowd around her. The clerk runs over to her and asks "sister Mary, what happened? I thought that this bottle was to help sister Theresa?" The nun says "It Is! Sister Theresa is going to SHIT her pants when she sees me like this!"

Married man

About six months ago johns wife died an untimely death. He loved his wife and had been married to her for almost 23 years. One day, John was feeling his oats as well as a little sorry for himself. "It's been so long since I got any," lamented John. "I'm a pretty healthy guy and I'm used to getting a lot of sex," he said. "But now that my wife is dead, I haven't had sex in over six months!" So, he got a crazy idea. "I will just dig up the wife and see what's going on," he thought to himself. So, he did. When he got her out of the ground, he saw that she was only a little flaky around the edges, so he decided to do her like a jackrabbit. Well, pretty soon, he noticed that she was just lying there like a fish and was all cold and clammy. John remarked: "Wow, she hasn't changed a bit!"

Fast food difference

The girls at hooters may be hot, but the girls at subway are real wife material.

Coming...

A truck driver was going down a steep incline when, at the foot of the hill, he was able to make out a couple having sex in the middle of the road. Five times on his descent he sounded his horn, but they didn't move. He finally brought the truck' to a halt inches from them. The truck driver got out and stormed: "What the hell's the matter with you two?. Didn't you hear me? You could have been killed!" The man replied nonchalantly: "Listen, I was coming, she was coming, and you were coming. You were the only one with brakes."

Old ladies...

Two elderly ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking. The lady asked, "What's that? " "A condom," the other lady responded. "This way my cigarette doesn't get wet. " "Where did you get it? " the other lady asked. "You can get them at any drugstore. " The next day, the first lady hobbled herself down to the local drugstore and announced to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy looked at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but politely asks what brand she prefers. "It doesn't matter as long as it fits a Camel. " The pharmacist fainted."

Swimming pool

Little Johnny is approached by the lifeguard at the public swimming pool. "You're not allowed to pee in the pool," said the lifeguard. "I'm going to report you." "But everyone pees in the pool," said Little Johnny. "Maybe," said the lifeguard, "but not from the diving board."

Old people...

Grandma and Grandpa were watching a religious healing program on TV. The Evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed to put one hand on the TV and the other on the body part they wanted healed. Grandma hobbled to the TV and put one hand on her arthritic hip. Grandpa made his way the the set and put one hand on the TV and the other on his crotch. Grandma looked at him with disgust. "YOU JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND, YOU OLD COOT.....THE PURPOSE OF THIS PROGRAM IS TO HEAL THE SICK, NOT RAISE THE DEAD."

Adultery

An old priest got sick of everyone in his parish confessing adultery. During one Sunday's sermon he told them, ‘If one more person confesses to adultery, I'll quit!’ Since everyone liked him, they decided to use a code word: ‘fallen’. From then on, anyone who had committed adultery said they had ‘fallen’. This satisfied the old priest and the parishioners, and everything was fine for years, until finally the old priest passed away at the ripe old age of 93. Shortly after the new young priest settled in, he paid a call on the mayor. The priest was quite concerned. ‘You have to do something about the sidewalks in this town, Mayor. You can't believe how many people come into the confessional talking about having fallen!’ The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had explained their code word to the new priest. But before the mayor could explain, the priest shook his finger at the mayor and said - ‘I don't know why you're laughing; your wife fell three times last week!’

God

A man in Topeka, Kansas decided to write a book about churches around the country. He started by flying to San Francisco and started working east to zigzag across the states from there. He went to a very large church and began taking pictures. He spotted a golden telephone on a wall and was intrigued by a sign that read: "$10,000.00 a minute." Seeking out the pastor he asked about the phone and the sign. The pastor answered that this golden phone was, in fact, a direct line to Heaven and if he were to pay the price he could talk directly to God. He thanked the pastor and continued on his way. Visiting churches in Seattle, Boise, Denver, Minneapolis, Chicago, Milwaukee, New York, and other places, he found more phones with the same sign. From each pastor he received the same answer. Finally, he arrived in the southeast part of the U.S. Upon entering a church, low and behold, he saw the usual golden telephone, but this time the sign read: "Calls: 35 cents." Fascinated, he asked of the pastor, "Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church I have found this very same golden telephone, and I have been told it is a direct line to Heaven, and that I could talk to God. However, in the other churches, the cost was $10,000.00 a minute. Your sign reads 35 cents per call. Why is that?" The pastor, smiling benignly, replied: "Son, you're in Florida now. It's a local call."

Wifes...

A man was in a terrible accident, and his ‘manhood’ was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for small, $6,500 for medium, and $14,000 for large. The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected. ‘Well, what have the two of you decided?’ asked the doctor. The man answered, ‘She'd rather remodel the kitchen.’

Discrimination

Boss, to four of his employees: "I'm really sorry, but I'm going to have to let one of you go." BĹack employee: "I'm a protected minority." Female employee: "And I'm a woman." Oldest employee: "Fire me, buster, and I'll hit you with an age discrimination suit so fast it'll make your head spin." They all turn to look at the helpless young, white, male employee, who thinks a moment, then responds: "I think I might be gay..."

Celebrity names

10 years ago we had Johnny cash, Bob Hope, and Steve Jobs. Now we have no cash, no hope. and no jobs, PLEASE don't let Kevin Bacon die.

Truckers...

A truck driver would amuse himself by running over lawyers. Whenever he saw a lawyer walking down the side of the road he would swerve to hit him, enjoy the load, satisfying "THUMP", and then swerve back onto the road. (at this point some of you are probably wondering how the trucker could distinguish the lawyers from the humans. Obviously he saw the trail of slime they left!) One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over. He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?" "I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road," replied the priest. "No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck." The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back away, narrowly missing the lawyer. However even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD". Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer." "That's okay", replied the priest. "I got him with the door!"

Homophobia

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. He thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating. “Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?” she asked. “They’re mating,” her father replied. “What do you call the spider on top?” she asked. “That’s a Daddy Longlegs,” her father answered. “So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?” the little girl asked. As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question, he replied “No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs. The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat and said, “Well, we’re not having any of that faggot shit in our garden.”

How to bathe your cat

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom
3. In one smooth movement put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. (You may need to stand on the lid)
4. At this point the cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this!
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'Power-Wash' and'Rinse'
6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door
7. Stand well back, behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid 8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off
9. Both the toilet and the cat will be sparkling clean.
Yours Sincerely, The Dog.

Vet school

First year students at Texas A&M vet school were attending their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them "in veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: the first is that u not to be disgusted by anything involving the animal body." For an example the professor pulled back the sheet stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing", he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on it. When everyone was finished the professor looked at them and said: "the second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough but its even tougher if you're stupid."

Forbidden

A man and a woman are seated next to each other on a flight. They start eyeing each other up, and both realise they want to do the same thing. He slips a condom out of his pocket, and she looks delighted. “Rear toilet?” he suggests. “Five minutes,” she agrees, and goes off. He waits five minutes, then goes and slips in there with her. “Right, get that condom on.” she says. Soon, they are both sighing with pleasure. But a sharp–eyed stewardess has noticed them, and realised what they are up to. So she humiliates them both by making an announcement over the tannoy, “To the lady and gentleman in the rear toilet. We know what you are doing and it is expressly forbidden by airline regulations. Now, please put those cigarettes out and take the condom off the smoke detector."

How it happens in college

A young cowboy from Wyoming goes off to college, but half way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money. He calls home. "Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in Laramie that will teach our dog, ol' Blue how to talk!" "That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?" "Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says. "I'll get him in the course." So, his father sends the dog and $1,000. About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home. "So how's Ol' Blue doing, son," his father asks. "Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!" "Read!" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?" "Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. "Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!" "Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messing' around with that little redhead who lives in town?" The father exclaimed, "I hope you shot that son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother!" I sure did, Dad!" "That's my boy!" The kid went on to be a successful lawyer

Yeah, I won!

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They get back to his place and as he shows her around his apartment she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom with hundreds and hundreds of cute cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall! It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display. There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears. She is quite impressed by his sensitive side but doesn't mention this to him. They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and after awhile, she finds herself thinking "Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children?" She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love. She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known. After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly "Well, how was it?" The guy gently smiles at her strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says: "Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf."

Kisses

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, the pretty girl said, "I would like to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?" "Only one kiss per yard," replied the male clerk with a smirk. "That's fine," said the girl. "I'll take ten yards." With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, then teasingly held it out. The girl snapped up the package, pointed to the old geezer standing beside her, and smiled, "Grandpa will pay the bill."

Facebook obsessed...

A cop knocked on my door earlier today: "I'm sorry sir, but your wife has been involved in a fatal car crash and we would like you to accompany us so you can identify the body" I said "I'm a bit busy right now. Can't you take a photo and tag me on Facebook? If its her I'll click the like button."

Celebrities...

Sean Connery was sitting by the pool one morning when he got a call from his agent about a new role: "Hi Sean," says his agent. "Listen I want you to meet up with this director tomorrow morning to discuss the part, about ten-ish." "Tenish?" asks Sean. "I don't even own a racket!"

Penis transplant

Two guys are drinking together at a bar and go into the bathroom. Standing at the latrine, Bill notices that his buddy is very well endowed. "Wasn't always that way," the buddy says. "It's a transplant. I had it done over on Harley Street. It cost a thousand bucks, but as you can see, it's well worth every cent." So Bill visits the doctor on Harley Street that day. Six months later, the two guys meet up again at the bar. Bill explains, "I took your advice, but you were robbed. I got mine for $500, not a thousand." They go back to the restroom to compare. "No wonder," his buddy says, "That's my old one!"

Proposal gone wrong

Boy: Wilm you marry me?
Girl: Do you have a house?
Boy: No.
Girl: Do you have a BMW?
Boy: No.
Girl: How much is your salary?
Boy: I don't have one,... but...
Girl: No but. You have nothing. You're nobody! How could I possibly marry you?! Just leave me alone!
Boy: (Talking to himself) I live in a mansion, 3 property lands, 3 Ferraris, 2 Porsches. Why do I still need to buy a BMW? And how can I get a salary when I'm the BOSS?!...

Hunting

Why do hunters make the best lovers? Because they go deep in the bush, shoot more than once & always eat what they shoot.

The moment

Why are condoms like cameras? They both capture the moment.

911 condom

A man calls 911: "Come quickly, my son has swallowed a condom!" Five minutes later same man calls back: "Nevermind, I've found another one."

Talking Ben

A guy is driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador sitting there. "You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the Lab replies. After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story?" The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired." The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. "Ten dollars." The guy says. "Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?" "Because he's a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff!"

Guy and girl 2

Girl: How many times do I have to tell u I already have a boyfriend?
Guy: You look like the type of girl that could use two

Reverse psychology

A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After examining the man he says, "Sir, I couldn’t help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?" The man says, "Officer, I couldn’t help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"

Scary shit, literally

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH MY GOD!" Silence. Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"

Kids' imagination

Two little boys are talking in the backyard. “My daddy’s got a penis,” says the first. “My daddy’s got two penises,” says the second. “No way,” says the first. “Yeah,” says the second. “He’s got a small one to pee with and a great big one to clean the baby-sitter’s teeth!”

Guy and girl about alcohol

Guy: do you wanna drink? Girl: no, alcohol is bad for my legs Guy: oh, do they swell? Girl: no, they spread

Midgets...

One night these two midget brothers walk into a bar and one says "Man I'm tired of screwing midget girls lets screw real women." So the other guy agreed. 5 minutes later two blonde's walk into the bar and sit by the two midgets. So the four of them get talking and the midgets ask if they want to come to there hotel rooms and stay the night and have sex. So the two blonde's decide to go. In the first room the blonde and the midget were getting it on when the midget says "Oh baby, I'm sorry this has never happened before, but I can't get hard" So they give up and lay down to go asleep. But through the wall from the second room they hear "1, 2, 3 uh 1, 2, 3 uh", which keeps up all night long. So the next day after the blonde's leave the brothers meet each other again and discuss how there night went. The first midget says "Oh, my night was terrible. I just couldn't get hard." The second midget replies "Mine was worse than that" "What do you mean" said the first guy. "I heard you going "1, 2, 3 uh all night long". To which the second guy replies "Yeah! I couldn't get on the damn bed"

Wrong orders

The officer shouted orders to a nearby soldier. With considerable bravery, the GI ran directly onto the field of battle, in the line of fire, to retrieve a dispatch case from a dead soldier. In a hail of bullets, he dove back to safety. "Private," the officer said, "I'm recommending you for a medal. You risked your life to save the locations of our secret warehouses." "Warehouses!?" the private shouted. "I thought you said whorehouses!"

Onestone

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle and whose given name was 'Onestone' He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone... After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!" The word got around and nobody called him that any more. Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning, Onestone." He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He then made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion... The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone!" Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day and all night, all the next day, and the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die... You know why?? Oh, come on... take a guess! You're going to love this... Everyone knows.. You can't kill Two Birds with OneStone!

Texans...

A Texan went to Chicago and thought he would buy a new "city" outfit. He went into Marshall Fields and when asked by a sweet young woman if she could help him, answered, "Yes ma'am, ya see, I'm from Texas and I want to buy a complete outfit." Well, her eyes lit up as she asked, "Where he would like to start?" "Well ma'am, how about a suit?" "Yes sir, what size?" "Size 53 ... tall, ma'am." "Wow, that's really big." "Yes ma'am, they really grow them big in Texas." "What's next?" she asked. He replied, "How about some shoes." "What size?" "Size 15 ... double D." "Wow, that's really big!" "Yes ma'am, they really grow them big in Texas." "What's next?" "Well, I reckon I'll need a shirt." "Yes sir, what size?" "Nineteen and a half ... 38," he replied. "Wow, that's really big!" "Yes ma'am, they really grow them big in Texas." She virtually glowed as she asked, "Whew ... is there anything else I can do for you?" "No ma'am , I reckon that will be all." Well she tallied up his bill while the Texan was counting out his money. She asked, "Sir could I ask you a question?" "Yes ma'am, I already know what it is and the answer is four inches." She is astonished and blurts out, "Why, my boyfriend is bigger than that!" Without so much as a stutter, the Texan replied, "Across ma'am."

Drunks...

One night a man was getting very drunk in a pub. He staggered back to take a piss, whipping his prick out as he went in the door. However, he had wandered into the ladies room by mistake, surprising a woman sitting on the can, "This is for ladies!" she screamed. The drunk waved his dick at her and said "So is this!"

A dog, a cat... and a penis?

A dog, a cat, and a penis are sitting around a campfire. The dog says "My life sucks,my master makes me do my business on a fire hydrant." Then the cat says "Thats nothing, my master makes me do my business in a box full of cat litter." Then the penis outrageously says "At least your master doesnt put a bag over your head, and makr you do pushups until you throw up."

Mass confusion

There was this old woman who heard a song called "Two Lips and Seven Kisses." She called up information after hearing the song on the radio to get the name of the record company. In dialing, she accidentally called up a gas station, and she asks, "Do you have "Two Lips and Seven Kisses?" The gas station attendant who answered the phone said, "No, but I have two nuts and seven inches!" So the woman asked, "Is this a record?" To which the man replied, "No, its average!"

Sex and drugs

Q: Why does a prostitute make more money than a drug dealer? A: Because a prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again.

Halloween party

I've been invited to a Halloween fancy dress party this weekend. I've decided to go as a Muslim with a backpack. Doesn't come much fucking scarier than that, does it?

i, Robot

Two friends meet in the office of one of them, a notorious techno-geek. "Hey, bud, how are ya?" im good. Congratulations, that new secretary of yours is beautiful!" Well, I'm glad you like her. Believe it or not, she's a robot!" No way, how could that be?" "Way! She's the latest model from Japan. Lemme tell you how she works. If you squeeze her left tit, she takes dictation. If you squeeze her right tit, she types a letter. And that's not all, she can have sex, too!" "Holy shit! You're kidding, right?" "No, she's something, huh? Tell you what, you can even borrow her." So, his friend takes her into the restroom and is in there with her for a while. Suddenly, he hears him screaming "Eeeeyaaaaa! Heeelp" Ooooooh! Aaaaaaah! eeeeeeeeeaaargghhhh!" The guy says, "Shit! I forgot to tell him her ass is a pencil sharpener!"

Planking

This planking craze is really taking off. The old lady next door has been laying face down on her front lawn for 3 days now.

Honesty

That awkward moment when a girl says she's not pretty and a guy says, "Well at least your honest."

Cleverness is so underapreciated...

A student got into trouble at school when his teacher was teaching a math class and he fell asleep. When the teacher proceeded to ask him a question he snapped awake and the teacher took a ruler and pointed it at the boy while saying, "at the end of this ruler is an idiot." The student got into trouble because he replied back, "And which end might you be referring to?"

Politics...

I went over to my neighbors house the other day, we were sitting on the front porch when their young boy arrived home from school. I asked him what he wanted to be when he grew up? "I want to be president!" was his response. So next I asked what do you want to do as president? Again he replied "I want to cloth and feed the homeless." His parents were beaming with pride being democrat. I said why wait you can come over to my house and mow the lawn I'll pay you $50, the we can go to the supermarket and give it to the homeless guy outside. The young boy sat there a while and then said "Why doesn't the hobo get up and come mow your lawn?" I extended my arm and said welcome to the republican party. I haven't heard from the neighbors since.

Marriage's sexual mishaps

My wife came downstairs after her shower and said to me, "I have just shaved my pussy. You know what that means, don't you?" I looked up and said, "Yeah, the drain is plugged."

Personal preference

I was listening to a couple of guys talking in the bar about what type of women they like. I tapped one of them on the shoulder and said, "You go for brains over looks." He turned and said, "What make you say that?" I said, "I've seen your fucking wife."

Little brain, the one down there

Why do men have holes in there penis? So oxygen can get to their brains

Do you miss your wife?...

A trucker goes into a whorehouse and hands the Madam five hundred dollars. He says, "I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich." The Madam says, "For that kind of money, you could have one of my finest girls and surf and turf." The trucker says,"I'm not horny, I'm homesick."

Drunken teenager

A 15-year-old boy asks his dad if he is allowed to have a few drinks at a party that evening. His dad says it's OK as long as he doesn't go too far. The next day, the boy wakes up in pain and discovers he is covered with bruises, but he can't remember a thing about the previous night. He asks his dad, "Did you beat me up last night?" "Listen, son," says his dad, "if you come home at four in the morning and ring the bell a hundred times, that's OK, I can live with that. If you run to the bathroom and puke in the bath and piss in the sink, that's OK, I can live with that too. If you call me a fat, ugly, pimping bastard, that's OK too. If you call your mum a stinking whore and a pox-ridden bitch, I can more or less let that slide. But if you go into the living room, shit on the carpet, ram a bunch of pretzel sticks up your arse and scream 'Right you old cunt! This is now the realm of the hedgehog!', there's a good chance I'll beat you up."

Some good job

The subway car was packed. It was rush hour, and many people were forced to stand. One particularly cramped woman turned to the man behind her and said "if you poke me with your thing one more time, I'm going to the police!" "I dont know what your talking about miss" he said. "Thats my pay check" "oh really", she spat "then you must have some job, cuz thats the fifth raise you've had in the last half hour!"

Good lawyer

A Chicago area divorce lawyer died and found his way to the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?" The lawyer thought for a moment and replied, "Last month I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street." Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was in fact true. Saint Peter said, "Well , that's fine, but that in itself just isn't enough to get you into Heaven." The lawyer quickly retaliated, "Wait Wait! There's more! Four years ago I gave another homeless person a quarter." Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this too had been verified. Saint Peter, unsure of himself, whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?" Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter, "Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."

Age appeal

Matthew, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, showed up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year old blonde. She knocked everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm, and hung onto Matthew's arm and listened intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they cornered him and asked, ‘Matthew, how did you get such a beautiful girlfriend at your age?’ Matthew replied, ‘Girlfriend? She's my wife!’ They're even more amazed, and asked: ‘So, how did you persuade her to marry you?’ ‘I lied about my age’, Matthew replied. ‘Oh! So you told her you were only 50?’ Matthew smiled and said, ‘No, I told her I was 90.’

Larry's bar

A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact,She sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?" "Relax," says the Doctor,"take a deep breath and calm down. Now,tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"

Comeback line

This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base? GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting. FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it? GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range. FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children? GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm. FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers. GENERAL REINWALD: Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you? The radio went silent and the interview ended.

Tekken

My smartass 14-year-old son challenged me to a game of Tekken the other day, in front of his mates. I finished him off with a killer combo in under 30 seconds, before proudly exclaiming, "Who's your Daddy?" He replied, "Mum says it was probably the milkman." The little bastard.

Holmes...

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal, they lay down and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see! " "I see millions of stars," Watson said. "What does that tell you? " Holmes asked. Watson replied. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful. Meteorologically, I suspect we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Holmes? " "Watson, you idiot," he said. "Someone has stolen our tent.

Anal

A woman says to her mother, 'I'm divorcing Sheldon. All he wants is anal sex, and my ass hole is now the size of a quarter, when it used to be about the size of a dime.' Her mother says, 'You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman, you live in an 8 bedroom mansion, you drive a Ferrari, you get $1,000 a week allowance, you take 6 vacations a year and you want to throw all that away over 15 cents!'

Hell's laws...

An engineer dies and goes to hell. After a while, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in there and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, hell has air conditioning, working toilets, water fountains and escalators - making the engineer a pretty popular guy. One day God phones Satan up and asks with a sneer: "Hey buddy, how's it goin down there in hell?" Satan snickered back, "Things are going great actually. We've got air conditioning, flush toilets, escalators and the works. Hell (no pun intended), there's no telling what this engineer guy is gonna come up with next." God replies, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have gotten down there; send him back up." To which Satan replied, "No way dude. I like having an engineer on staff, I'm keepin him." God retorted, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs loudly and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are you gonna find a lawyer?"

Milking machine

After years of milking cows with the traditional way, Farmer Giles finds he has enough money to order a high-tech milking machine. The equipment arrives a few days later and, realising his wife is out for the day, decides to test the machine on himself first. After setting it up, he quickly eases his penis into the equipment and flicks the switch. The sucking teat pleasures him better than his wife ever could, but when it's over the machine will not release his member. In desperation, the farmer calls the Customer Service Hotline. "Hello," he winces, "I've just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but, er, how do I remove it from the cow's udder?""Don't worry." Replies the rep. "The machine will release automatically once it's collected two gallons."

Nickels

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy begins choking, getting blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up 2 nickels, but keeps on choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help. A well dressed, attractive, woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant. Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word. As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before. It was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "No," the woman replied. "Divorce attorney."

Multiple orgasms

God was just about done creating the universe, but He had two extra things left in his bag of creations, so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up urinating. "It's a veryhandy thing," God told the couple. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted that ability." Adam jumped up and blurted, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems a sort of thing a man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have thatability.It'd be so great! When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just stand there and let it fly. It'd be so cool. I could write my name in the sand. Oh please God, let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please." On and on he went like an excited little boy who had to pee. Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted that so badly, he could have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy, and she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given this ability. And so Adam was given the ability to control the direction of his misdirection while in a vertical position. And lo, he was happy and did celebrate by wetting down the bark on the tree nearesthim, laughing with delight all the while. And it was good. "Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of leftover gifts. "What's left here? Oh yes, multiple orgasms...

Nudists

A man joined a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he took off his clothes and started to wander around the area. A gorgeous petite blonde walked by, and the man immediately got an erection.The woman noticed his erection, came over to him and asked, did you call for me?" The man replied, "No, what do you mean?" She said, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me." Smiling, she lead him to the side of the swimming pool, laid down on a towel eagerly pulled him to her and happily let him have his way with her. Later, the man continued to explore the colony's facilities. He entered the sauna and as he sat down, he farted. Within seconds a huge, hairy man lumbered out of the steam room toward him. "Did you call for me?" asked the hairy man. "No, what do you mean?" replied the newcomer. "You must be new." answered the hairy man, "It's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spun him around, put him over a bench and had his way with the newcomer. The newcomer staggered back to the colony office where he was greeted by a smiling, naked receptionist, "May I help you?" she asked. "Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee." "But, Sir," she replied, "you've only been here a few hours. You haven't had a chance to see all our facilities." "Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month, but I fart 15 times a day. I'm outta here."

Sexually active

A mother walks into her daughter's room holding a condom in her hand, "I found this while cleaning your room today... Are you sexually active?" To which the daughter replies, "No, I just lay there."

Blondes

A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman. "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman "I would like to buy this TV. " "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. "Darn, he recognized me," she thought. She went for a complete disguise this time, haircut and new color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before she again approached the salesman. "I would like to buy this TV. " Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. Frustrated, she exclaimed "How do you know I'm a blonde? " "Because that's a microwave," he replied.

Lady's advice

This hot blonde overheard me cussing out the bartender. She approached me outside and told me told me to treat others like you want to be treated. I took her back to my place and had my way with her. I was ready for another round of sex till she ran out the door screaming and crying. Hypocritical bitch doesn't follow her own advice. I wanted her to rape me too.

Triplets

Once upon a time there was a women that was about to have triplets. In her stomach the babies were talking to each other. The first baby says" I want to be a plumber, because there is so much water in here". The second baby says "I want to be an electrician because it is so dark in here". And the last baby says "I want to be a hunter, because if that damn snake comes back in here i'm going to cut it off".

9 volt battery

What does a 9 volt battery and a girls asshole have in common? You know it's wrong, but sooner or later your gonna put your tongue on it.

Problems

Alcohol doesnt solve any problems but then again neither does milk.

Fear

If you want to know what fear looks like, its a man running down the street naked with his cock flapping around. And if you ever see a naked man running down the street, join him. Because if he's choosing to run down the street with his cock flapping round rather than stay where he is, there is some scary ass shit coming the other way.

How blood lines work

A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is an American. She asks her students to raise their hands if they were American too . Not really knowing why but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like flashy fireworks . There is, however, one exception. A girl named Kristen has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. "Because I am not an American." "Then" , asks the teacher, "What are you?" " I'm a proud Canadian", boasts the little girl. The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Kristen why she is a Canadian". Well, my mom and dad are Canadians, so I 'm a Canadian too." The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron . What would you be then?" A pause , and a smile. "Then," says Kristen, "I 'd be an American."

Car insurance?

Forget Geico, you could have saved lots of money on child support by switching to condoms.

When you're drunk

There is man sitting in a bar who is really, really drunk. When the bar closes he gets up to go home. He stumbles and falls couple of times and finally manages to get out of the door. As he gathers himself, he sees a nun passing by. He stumbles over to her and starts punching her in the face. The nun is shocked beyond belief, but before she could say anything, he leans over and punches her again. This time the nun hits the pavement. The drunk stumbles over to her, kicks her in the butt, picks her up and throws her against the wall. By now the nun is very weak and can barely move. He leans over her, grabbing her by the collar of her habit and says, "Not feeling too STRONG tonight, ARE YOU, BATMAN?"

Wedding

At a wedding reception someone yelled, "All the married men please stand next to the person that made your life worth living." The bartender was crushed to death.

Your angry moment

Don't you hate it when you're angry and then somebody makes you smile, and then you're like,"Ugh! I'm trying to be angry, DAMN IT!"?

Advice

Advice for Life: Hold Your Head High, But Your Middle Finger Higher.

Birthday gift

The girlfriend bought me a lovely new watch for my birthday. "Do you like it?" she said. "It's great!" I said, "it will remind me of your vagina." She laughed, "Is that because its exclusive and sexy?" I replied "Nah, its a bit loose around my wrist."

Self control

Definition of self control: working in a bubble wrap store and not popping a single bubble... Not possible.

Top shelf

A midget waddles into the library and asks, "Have you got a book on Irony?" The librarian says, "Yeah, it's on the top shelf."

Spiders in your bedroom

After years of research, I've discovered that if you're scared of spiders they will always turn up in your bedroom. Using that this knowledge... I am now scared of blonde chicks with big tits.

Sex ed

My teenage daughter came home in a rage. "I've just done sex education in school today, Dad! You lied to me! You told me if I have sex before my sixteenth birthday, my boyfriend will die!" I put down my paper: "Oh, he will, sweetheart, he will."

Jechova's witnesses

I can't stand those interfering people who bang on your door and tell you how you need to be "saved" or you'll "burn". Fucking firemen.

Reading books in bed...

A married couple are lying in bed one night. The wife is curled up, ready to go to sleep, and the husband turns his bed lamp on to read a book. As he's reading, he periodically reaches over to his wife and fondles her special area. He does this a few times, but only for a very short interval before returning to read his book. The wife gradually becomes more and more aroused and, assuming that her husband is seeking some encouragement, she gets up and starts stripping in front of him. The husband is confused and asks, "Why are you taking off your clothes?" His wife replies, "You were rubbing me downtown. I thought it was foreplay." The husband says, "No, not at all." His wife asks angrily, "Well, what the hell were you doing then?" The husband says, "I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in my book."

Help wanted

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer." A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer. "The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager. By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can't give you the job." The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, "Yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual." The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, "Meow."

World's smallest handcuffs

What are the worlds smallest handcuffs? Wedding rings.

Goalie

Me: "Leave the bitch alone she has a boyfriend"
Little brother: "Just 'cause there's a goalie doesn't mean you can't score"

Surgeon

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the engine of a Jaguar when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his garage. The surgeon was there, waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car. The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?" The surgeon a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the Jaguar. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked,"So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?" The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and said to the mechanic, "Try doing it with the engine running."

Understanding women

Did you hear about the guy that finally figured out women? He died laughing before he could tell anyone.

Farm job...

A farmer hires a college student to help out on his farm. The farmer calls him over and tells him to sit down for a chat, so the student does. Farmer: you've worked hard all year son and in appreciation I'm gunna throw you a party! Student: well thank you! Farmer: I hope you can handle a drink cos there's gunna be plenty of drinking goin on. Student: Fuck yeah, I can drink as much as anyone else! Farmer: And I hope you can fight cos there's gunna be fighting. Student: yeah I can handle myself, it won't be a problem! Farmer: And I hope your good in the sack cos there's gunna be aload of shaggin goin on! Student: Yes! I'm lookin forward to gettin some action after all this time! Student: what do you think I should wear? Farmer: Who cares? It's only gunna be me and you.

Sexism

My wife was cooking breakfast this morning as my 4 year old daughter and I were at the kitchen table. "Daddy", she asked pointing to the stove, "Where do we get bacon from?" "Well love", I replied, "We get it from a pig." "Wow", said my awestruck little girl. "What else do we get from the pig" "A cup of tea and two rounds of toast if she fucking knows what's good for her", I answered as the wife sobbed over the frying pan.

Father's Day Prayer

"Dear God, this year please send clothes for all those poor ladies in daddy's computer. Amen."

Cowboy lover

Why don't cowboys make good lovers? Because they think 8 seconds is a good ride

Man's mind

Why don't men mind their own business? No mind no business.

Late night BJ

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Dealing with deaf, mafia style

The Mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were 'protecting'. Feeling the heat from the police force, they decided to use a deaf person for this job. If he were to get caught, he wouldn't be able to communicate to the police what he was doing. Well, on his first week, the deaf collector picks up over $50,000. He gets greedy, decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe place. The Mafia soon realizes that their collection is late, and sends some of their hoods after the deaf collector. The hoods find the deaf collector and ask him where the money is. The deaf collector can't communicate with them, so the Mafia drags the guy to an interpreter. The Mafia hood says to the interpreter, "Ask him where the money is. " The interpreter signs, "Where's the money? " The deaf replies, "I don't know what you're talking about. " The interpreter tells the hood, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about. " The hood pulls out a large gun and places it in the ear of the deaf collector. "NOW ask him where the money is. " The interpreter signs, "Where is the money? " The deaf man replies, "The $50,000 is in Central Park, hidden in the third tree stump on the left from the West 78th Street gate. " The interpreter says to the hood, "He says he still doesn't know what you're talking about, and doesn't think you have the guts to pull the trigger. "

Sandbag Billy

Little Johnny goes over to little Billy's house and rings the bell. His mother answers and Johnny asks if Billy can come and play war in the street with his friends. Billy's mother says to Johnny, "You know Billy doesn't have any arms or legs." Johnny replies, "I know, but we want to use him as a sandbag."

Toilet phone

That "Dammit" moment when you forget to take your phone to the toilet so you just sit there like "Now what do I do...?"

First day of school

Mom: "What did you learn at school today sweetie?"
Me: "Obviously not enough, I have to go back tomorrow..."

Johnny's report card

Little Johnny's father said, "Let me see your report card." Johnny replied, "I don't have it." "Why not?" His father asked. "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."

Tetris

If Tetris has taught me anything, it's that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.

School zones

Say what you want about pedophiles but at least they slow down when driving in school zones!

Pedophile mustache

Not every guy with a mustache is a pedophile, but every pedophile has a mustache.

Virtual kid

A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?" The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway. Your mum and I got together in a chat room at Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mum and we met up at cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, I upgraded my floppy disk to a stiffy and then your mum agreed to do a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later, a blessed little pop-up appeared and said: "You've got Male!"

Newlywed rules...

A couple were married and, following the wedding, the husband laid down some rules. "I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want," he insisted. "And, I don't expect any hassle from you. Also, I expect a decent meal to be on the table every evening, unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing with my buddies whenever I want. Those are my rules," he said. "Any comments?" His new bride replied, "No, that's fine with me. But, just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night ... whether you're here or not."

Hide and seek

So me and my phone are playing hide and seek. The bitch is good.

Moth shut

A women goes into a doctor office with severe bruises and lacerations. The doctor asked her what happen. She told him she didnt know what to do...everytime her husband comes home drunk he beats her to a pulp. The doctor tells her he has a good medicine for her problem. He tells her " The next time your husband comes home drunk, get a glass of sweet tea and get a big gulp in your mouth. Just swish and swish but dont swallow until he goes to bed and falls asleep.Two weeks later the women comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn. The women says.. Doctor that was a wonderful idea, everytime my husband came home drunk I swished with sweet tea and he didnt touch me. The Doctor says well you see how much just keeping your mouth shut helps

Jezuz...

A drunk stammers out of a bar and runs into two priests. He runs up to them and says, ''I'm Jesus Christ.'' The first priest says, ''No, son, I'm Jesus Christ.'' So the drunk says it to the second priest. The second priest replies, ''No, son, I'm Jesus Christ.'' The drunk says, ''Look, I can prove it.'' and walks back into the bar with the priests. The bartender takes on look at the drunk and exclaims, ''Jesus Christ, you're here again?''

Talking during sex

I know how to take care of the woman's needs. Most guys don't even talk to you when they're having sex with you. If you're lucky, they're just like, 'I'm falling off the bed.' You're lucky if you get that. But not me --every girl I have sex with gets the Questionnaire. I'm always like: 'How are you enjoying this so far?
Have I been courteous and kind?
Would you recommend me to a friend?'

Eating in between

A woman goes into a tattoo parlour and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh just below her bikini line. She also wants him to put "Happy Thanksgiving" under the turkey. So the guy does it and it comes out looking really good. The woman then instructs him to put a Santa tattoo with "Merry Christmas" up on her left thigh. So the guy does it and it comes out looking good, too. As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist asks, "If you don't mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?" She says "I'm sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that there's nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas!"

BJ Etiquette

Blow Job Etiquette From A Male Viewpoint
1. First of all, yes you're obligated to do it. If you don't, we will find someone (younger, prettier and dirtier) who will.
2. Second, swallowing a teaspoon full of cream is a hell of a lot easier than licking a dead fish.
3. You want to talk about farting? Does the word "queef" mean anything to you?
4. I will use your ears as I see fit. don't worry about it and be thankful I'm not pulling your hair.
5. When you're on your period, stuffing something in your mouth is the only way to stop you from bitching and moaning. Suck it up!
6. Speaking of which, if you are bleeding for five straight days, you need all the fluids you can get. trust me.
7. You bitch about the taste, but trust me when I tell you that we get the short end of the stick in flavor country.
8. At least there is no danger of a dick bleeding in your mouth.
9. Play with the balls.
10. No matter how good you think you are at it, we've had better.
11. Make hay when the sun shines. It's "Wide awake" in the morning now, but when you get old and fat and looking for some action, I gah-ron-tee it'll be "Sound asleep".
12. If you swallow, then you don't have to worry about getting any on your face, now will you?

Myths busted

Love is in the air? False. Nitrogen,oxygen, argon, and carbon dioxide are in the air.
Life is short? False. It's the longest thing you do.
All men are created equal? False. Explain midgets.
United States is the land of the free? False. The US has more prisioners per capita than any other country in the world.
Why was six afraid of seven? It wasn't. Numbers are not sentient and thus incapable of feeling fear.
Home is where the heart is? False. The chest cavity is where the heart is. "Shoot for the moon, even you miss you'll land among the stars"? False. The nearest star is 93 million miles from the moon.
Love is all you need? False. You need water and rations.

Dogophobia

They say that if you're afraid of homosexuals, it means that deep down inside you're actually a homosexual yourself. That worries me because I'm afraid of dogs!

Multitasking

If women are such good multi taskers why can't they have a sex with a headache?

Clit

Renault and Ford are working on a new car for women together. Its a mix between the Clio and the Taurus and is called the clitaurus, it comes in pink, and the average male thief will be unable to find it even if told where it is.

Sex...

Apparently "Sex" can lead to some pretty horrific things. For example: Herpes, Syphillis, Gonorrhea, HIV and even something known as a relationship.

Drinkin blood?

A vampire goes into a pub and asks for boiling water. The barman says "I thought you only drank blood?" The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says "I'm making tea".

Too much Call of Duty

You know you play too much Call of Duty when:
You hit the deck and yell 'GRENADE!' When you hear something fall next to you.
You yell at your co-workers, ' Cover me, I'm reloading!' When you run out of staples.
You grab your boss's briefcase, open it for 5 seconds, throw it out of the window and say, 'Bomb diffused, Good job team!'
You see a airplane in the sky and yell 'Enemy AC130 Above!'
You see someone get hit by a car and you say, 'Tango down'.
You see a soldier on TV with a M203 attached to his M16 and you turn of the TV 'cause he is a noob.
You run for cover whenever you hear a helicopter.
Your dog jumps on you and you instinctively snap it's neck.
You finish a magazine then yell, 'Changing mag!'.

Cards you will never see printed by Hallmark

"Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife."
"How could two people as beautiful you have such an ugly baby?"
"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind."
"I must admit, you brought Religion in my life. I never believed in hell until I met you."
"Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder: What was I thinking?"
"As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me."
"If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister."
"As you grow older, Mom, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy..."
"Thanks for being a part of my life!!!I never knew what evil was before this!"
"Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would like to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again."
"Someday I hope to get married, but not to you."
"Sorry things didn't work out, but I can't handle guys with boobs that are bigger than mine."
"Happy Birthday! You look great for your age...Almost Lifelike!"
"When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broke up, I think it's time you kept your promise."
"I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."
"We have been friends for a very long time, what say we call it quits."
"I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here."
"Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?"
"You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket.... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."
"Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday - so we're having you put to sleep."
"Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!!" (available only in Arkansas)

Pregnant blonde

What did the blonde say when the doctor told her she was pregnant? "Are you sure it's mine?"

Clone

If you had a clone and you fucked it, would that be incest or masturbation?

Say what?...

Artificial intelligence has nothing on natural stupidity.

Romantic vacation

Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!" She says, "Well, put them here between my thighs and that will warm them up." After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, "Man! my hands are really freezing!" She says again, "Well, put them here between my thighs and warm them up." He does, and again that warms him up. After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop some wood to get them through the night. When he returns, he says again, "Honey, my hands are really, really freezing!" She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold?"

Nipple...

How do you make 8 or more punds of fat look good? Put a nipple on it!

What men would do if they had a vagina for a day

10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.
9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.
8. See if they could finally do the splits.
7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.
6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.
5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes ... BEFORE closing time.
4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.
3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.
2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too.
1. Finally find that damned G-spot.

Naughty thouhgts...

A woman walks into a dry cleaners with a white stained shirt. "Can you clean this please?" She asks. The man is partially deaf. "Come again?". She replied "No, it's yogurt this time."

Laws of the Universe

1. Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.
2. Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
3. Law of probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
4. Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
5. Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
6. Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (works every time).
7. Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
8. Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
9. Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Making babies

A little boy was playing in the creek behind his house when he suddenly felt the urge to jack off well after a bit of rubbing he had his first ejaculation and it splashed on the rocks by his feet it was so powerful it scared him badly so he ran in the house and yelled for his dad,well the dad runs in the room and says,"what's wrong", the boy says daddy,daddy I was in the creek and my thing started getting stiff so I rubbed it and it felt good, the father said," yeah I know buddy it does feel good",then the boy says I kept rubbing it and it started feeling real good then all of a sudden this white stuff shot out and it scared me.The father laughed a bit and says," don't worry boy its natural that's how babies are made", this seemed to satisfy the boys curiosity and calm him down. The boy went back to the creek, and on the rock he came on was a huge frog,the boy looked at the frog for a minute and said, boy you're an ugly little bastard but daddy loves ya.

Taxing God

A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00. When the postal authorities received a letter addressed to God, USA, they decided to send it to the President. The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5 bill. The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read: Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington D.C. and those assholes took $95 in taxes.

Dictionary for women's personal ads

1. ADVENTUROUS: slept with a lot of men.....
2. ATHLETIC: no tits....
3. AVERAGE LOOKING: has a face only a mother can love....
4. BEAUTIFUL: pathological liar....
5. CONTAGIOUS SMILE: does alot of pills....
6. EDUCATED: was fucked alot at college....
7. EMOTIONALLY SECURE: on medication....
8. FEMINIST: fat.....
9. 40 ISH: 49 1/2....
10. FREE SPIRIT: junkie....
11. FRIENDSHIP FIRST: former slut....
12. FUN: annoying.....
13. GENTLE: dull....
14. GOOD LISTENER: autistic....
15. BBW: hugely fat....
16. NEW AGE: body hair problems...
17. OLD FASHIONED: no BJ's or anal...
18. OPEN MINDED: desperate...
19. OUTGOING: loud and embarrassing....
20. PASSIONATE: sloppy drunk...
21. POET: depressed....
22. PROFESSIONAL: bitch...
23. ROMANTIC: frigid...
24. SOCIAL: pussy like a clowns pocket....
25. VOLUPTUOUS: very fat....
26. WANTS SOUL MATE: stalker...
27. WIDOW: murderer

Jewish Redneck

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?" She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Chicago." He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs. Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?" "Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that Ihave learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality." "Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?" "Well, she explained, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck." Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name." "Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."

Bad day?

So You Think You Had A Bad Day: Maybe we should send some minties to these people. Just remember, it could be worse! (1) The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both. (2) A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her with an axe leaving her mentally retarded. (3) A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. Until that moment he had been happily listening to his Walkman. (4) Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn Germany. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death. And finally. . . . . . . (5) Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits. Your day's not so bad, is it?

Fligh delayed

Little Johnny is outside in the back yard playing with his toy airplane. He takes it up in the air "rrrrrrrrrr" and brings it down for a landing, at which point he yells real loud "All you motherfuckers that wanna get off, get off. All you motherfuckers that wanna get on, get on." Well Johnnys mom is in the kitchen and hears him yell this. Shocked, Johnnys mom runs outside and tells Johnny to go to his room for 3 hours and think about what he's said. Pouting, johnny stomps to his room. 3 hours later Johnny comes out of his room and goes straight for his toy airplane in the back yard. He picks it up, flys it around a little and lands it. With mom lstening closely from the window Johnny says "all you nice people that want to get off, get off. All you nice people that wanna get on, get on......and all you motherfuckers complaining about the 3 hour time delay, talk to the bitch in the kitchen.

Class talk

Hot girl: What a nerd
Me: He'll probably be your boss one day so be careful what you say
Nerd: No, I won't be her boss one day because I don't plan on becoming a pimp...
Whole class laughs

Hers & His

HER DIARY: Tonight I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment. Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong; he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry. On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say I love you too. When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched TV. He seemed distant and absent. Finally, I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed, and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster. HIS DIARY: I shot the worst round of golf in my life today, but at least I got laid.

Taxi blow job

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Not a hoe

She's not a hoe. Her pussy is just rated E for Everyone.

Former Marine

A former Sergeant , having served his time with the Marine Corps, took a new job as a school teacher, but just before the school year started he injured his back. He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable. On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. The smart-alec punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and decided to see how tough he really was, before trying any pranks. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and promptly stapled the tie to his chest. Dead silence ... He had no trouble with discipline that year.

Bag of air

I hate it when I buy a bag of air, and there is some chips inside.

Sex ed

Q: Why do 18-year-olds take sex education courses?
A: So they can learn what they've been doing wrong for the past five years.

Next level

I said to my wife, "I think we are ready for the next stage of our relationship" She giggled and said, "What are you on about, silly? We are happily married with two kids, what can possibly be the next step?" "Divorce," I replied.

Tornado women

How are women and tornados alike? They both moan like hell when they come and take the house when they leave.

Baby terrorist

What's the difference between a baby and a terrorist? The terrorists wear the diapers on their heads instead of their butts.

Rape

APPARENTLY 1 out of 25 women have a secrete rape fantasy..... this means that after 24 attempts,tomorrow night I should meet the woman of my dreams.

Toyota

Toyota, Moving Forward. Even when you push the break pedal.

Clock fight

Just had a fight with my alarm clock. It wanted me to wake up, I disagreed. Things got violent. Now the alarm clock is broken and I'm wide awake. Not sure who won.

Living alone

The only benifit of living alone is being able to take a shit with the door open.

New life?

What if the light we see at the end of the tunnel when we die is really us just being pushed out of a vagina into our next life...

Sex from different point of view

Two women are chatting in an office. Woman 1: "I had sex last night, did you?" Woman 2: "Yes." Woman 1: "Was it good?" Woman 2: "No, it was a disaster... my husband came home, ate his dinner in three minutes, got on top of me, finished having sex in five minutes, rolled over and fell asleep in two minutes. How was yours?" Woman 1: "Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out to a romantic dinner. After dinner we walked for an hour. When we came home he lit the candles around the house and we had an hour of foreplay. We then had an hour long session of fantastic sex and afterwards talked for an hour. It was like a fairytale!" At the same time, their husbands are talking at work. Husband 1: "You wanted sex last night, how was it?" Husband 2: "Great. I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate, had sex with my wife and fell asleep. It was great! What about you?" Husband 1: "It was horrible. I came home, there's no dinner because they cut the electricity because I hadn't paid the bill; so I had to take my wife out to dinner which was so expensive that I didn't have money left for a cab. We had to walk home which took an hour - and when we got home I remembered there was no electricity so I had to light candles all over the house! I was so angry that I couldn't get it up for an hour and then I couldn't climax for another hour. After I finally did, I was so aggravated that I couldn't fall asleep and my wife was jabbering away for another hour!"

Pluto the planet?

If Pluto isn't a planet, then midgets aren't humans.

Chinese baby...

What do u call a retarded chinese baby? Sum-ting-wong.

The wish of dying...

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

Happy Father's Day!

Girlfriend: Happy Father's Day!
Boyfriend: I'm not a dad.
Girlfriend: Yeah...About that...

Marriage hardships

A woman awakes during the night, and her husband isn't in bed with her. She goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she asks. "Why are you down here at this time of night?" The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly. "Yes, I do," she replies. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?" "Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues, "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?'" "I remember that, too," she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, "I would have gotten out today."