Brazillian

A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian...." The blonde replies, "Oh my God! You slut! How many is a brazilian?"

Daddy

My dad use to chase me around and try to stick it in my ass. "But daddy, I don't want it in my butt again." When that didn't work he tried to stick it in my mouth. "But daddy, it tastes funny." The sick bastard would even hold me down and stick it under my arm... It was difficult to check my temperature.

Single vs. Engaged vs. Married

Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, "Last Friday, at the end of the work day, I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made passionate love on his desk right then and there!" The engaged woman giggled and said, "That's pretty much my story! When my fiancé got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only had sex all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!" The married woman put her glass down and said, "I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a b!ack garter belt, b!ack stockings and six-inch stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask. When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, 'Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?"

Army style

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?" "Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature." The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action." "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action." The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself." The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?" "1955, ma'am." "Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to 'relax' him several times. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!" The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his serious voice, "I should hope not ma'am, it's only 2130 now."

Bad news for your man

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Best company ever

Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 500 employees and has the following statistics:
1. 29 have been accused of spousal abuse
2. 7 have been arrested for fraud
3. 19 have been accused of writing bad checks
4. 117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
5. 3 have done time for assault
6. 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
7. 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
8. 8 have been arrested for shoplifting
9. 21 are currently defendants in lawsuits
10. 84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year.
Can you guess which organization this is? Give up yet? It's the 535 members of the United States Congress. The same group of idiots that crank out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line.

No one cares about...

Hitler walks into the meeting room and turns to his trusted staff, I want you to organise the execution of 10,000 Jews and 1 kitten. Everyone looks around the table and after a long silence, Goering pipes up, Mein Führer, why do you want to kill a kitten? Hitler smiles and turns to the rest of the table, You see, no one cares about the Jews.

Zoo keeper

A zoo keeper gets raped by an elephant, and he's rushed to hospital for treatment. The doctor examines him and asks why his arse has been stretched out 10 inches when an elephant's penis is only 4 inches wide. Weeping, the man says "The dirty bastard fingered me first."

Loveseat

An elderly couple came back from a wedding one afternoon and were in a pretty romantic mood. While sitting on their loveseat, the elderly woman looked at her companion and said, "I remember when you used to kiss me every chance you had." The old man feeling a bit obliged leaned over and gave her a peck on the cheek. Then she said, "I also remember when you used to hold my hand at every opportunity." The old man again feeling obligated reached over and gently placed his hand on hers. The elderly woman then stated, "I also remember when you used to nibble on my neck and send chills down my spine." This time, the old man had a blank stare on his face and started to get up off the couch. As he began to walk out of the living room, his wife asked, "Was it something I said, where are you going?" The old man looked at her and replied, "I'm going in the other room to get my teeth!"

Kids

One day a single mother was in the grocery store with her 4 kids. They were acting up. Bad little kids. They were running around grabbing items off the shelves crying and screaming all over the place. The mother grabbed all and said "I should have swallowed all of you!"

Race makes the difference

What do you call five n¡ggers pushing a car up a street? - Muscle.
What do you call five white guys pushing a car up a street? - White power.
What do you call five Mexicans pushing a car up a street? - Grand Theft Auto.

Wife vs. Husband

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

Taxing prostitution

One day a hooker went to file her taxes, and for occupation she put prostitution. The tax collector explained that prostitution was an illegal occupation. She said she'd have to go home and think about it and that she'd call him back in an hour with her occupation. An hour later she called him and said, "I've got it... I'm a chicken farmer." He said, "How do you get chicken farmer out of prostitution." She said, "I raised over a thousand cocks last year."

Indian names

One day an Indian boy asked his father why they have such long names? The dad answers, "Well, son, it's a tradition when an Indian baby is born for the father to go outside and name the baby after the first thing he sees ... Why do you ask Two Dogs Fucking."

The Knob

A woman visited her plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure called ‘The Knob,’ where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman’s head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effect of a brand new face-lift. Of course, the woman wanted ‘The Knob.’ Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant. After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems. “All these years, everything has been working just fine. I’ve had to turn the knob many times and I’ve always loved the results. But now I’ve developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won’t get rid of them.” The doctor looked at her closely and said, ‘Those aren’t bags, those are your breasts.” She said, “Well, I guess there’s no point in asking about the goatee.”

Job posting at a police station

My friend and I were walking past a police station. A big poster out front says "Two black men wanted for rape." HAe turned to me and said, "Those fuckers get all the good jobs!"

Heart attack on Halloween

Did you hear about the nigger that had a heart attack on Halloween? Someone came to his house dressed as a job.

Your mom!

Little Johnny goes upstairs and catches his parents having sex. His dad sees him and then smiles and winks at him. after they were done having sex, johnny's dad thinks he had better talk to johnny and try to explain to him about sex. He starts looking for johnny but cant find him anywhere. He then hears a noise from grandma's room and then opens the door. He sees johnny having sex with grandma. Dad shouts "Johnny what are you doing?" Johnny looks at him and says "aint so funny when its your mom"

I wasn't that drunk

"I wasn't that drunk". "Dude, you picked up a lizard off of your porch and started talking to it about car insurance!"

Religion

A Catholic couple is about to get married, and the woman sits the man down for a heart-to-heart the day before the wedding. She says, "Honey, before we do this, I have something I need to get off my chest. You see, a few years back, my family was very poor, and for a while I had to work as a prostitute." The man leaps out of his chair and shouts, "Oh no, absolutely not! I can't get married to you!" The woman starts crying, and begs him to forgive her, "Please don't leave me -surely you can live with a woman who used to be a bit of a whore..." The man sits down and says, "Oh, that's fine. For a minute I thought you said Protestant."

Farmer

A vantrilliquist was driving down an old country road when he runs out of gas. He then walks up to a farm and sees an old farmer out in his field. The man then walks up to the farmer and asked if he can borrow some gas. The farmer says "sonny gas in these parts aint cheap." The man says "what if i could make your animals talk to you." The farmer says "thats bullshit. The man says "well look at those chickens." The man then throws his voice and the chickens say "we like the farmer because he gathers our eggs everyday." The farmer shakes his head and says "thats bullshit". The man then throws his voice to the cows and they say"we like the farmer because he milks us everyday". The farmer looks confused and once again says "Thats Bullshit". The man then says "well look at those sheep" the farmer then says real quick "you better not believe a word them sheep say, they liars!"

Wrestling

Girl: I wanna wrestle so bad...
Boy: You can wrestle me! But it could turn out bad if your shirt comes up.
Girl: Who needs shirts?
Boy: Or pants?...
Girl: sounds fun. Come over tonight?
Boy: I'll get my condoms.
Girl: Guess what? This is her mom. Boy: ..... This is his dad....
Girl: Don't forget the condoms!

Priest's honesty

young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?" "Of course child. What may I do for you?" "Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?" "I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie." "With your honest face, Father, no one will question you." When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?" "From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare." The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?" "I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused." Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next!

The pond

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and looks it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave! The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.' Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the fucking alligator.'...... Some old men can still think fast.

Stand-by

I sat next to an Indian woman on the bus today, when she closed her eyes and stopped breathing I thought she was dead. Then I saw the red dot on her forehead and realised she was only on stand-by.

Hearing aid

An eldery patient gets hearing aids from a doctor. After short time, he meets the doctor again. Doctor, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased." Patient, "Oh, I'm in a funny situation now. I haven't told my family yet. I just sit and listen to their conversations. In a month, I've changed my will three times!"

Girl in army

A guy was telling about this girl Sue who disguised herself as a man and joined the army. "But, wait a minute," said his friend, "She'll have to dress with the boys and shower with them, too, won't she?" "Sure," replied the guy. "Well, won't they find out?" The guy shrugged. "Who's gonna tell?"

Pinch my nipples

A woman tells the clerk she wants a refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work. The clerk explains that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on 'special'. Suddenly, the lady throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming! "Pinch My Nipples! Pinch My Nipples! Pinch My Nipples!!" The befuddled clerk runs away to get the store manager. The manager goes to the lady and asks, "Ma'am what's wrong?" She explained the problem with the toaster, and he tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special. Once again, the lady throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming, Pinch My Nipples! Pinch My Nipples! Pinch My Nipples!! By now a huge crowd has gathered! In shock, the manager pleads, "Ma'am, why are you saying that? In a huff, the woman says, "Because, I Like To Have My Nipples Pinched When I'm Getting Screwed!" The crowd broke into applause & the ladys money was quickly refunded...!!!

Local church

Three couples are trying to get into the local church. On of the requirements is to abstain from sex for one month. After a month, the three couples come back to report on their progress. The first couple says they didn't have sex, so the pastor welcomes them to the church gladly. The next couple says they didn't have sex, but it was very difficult so the husband had to sleep on the couch for the last week. They are also allowed into the church. Then the pastor turns to the third couple. "Have you remained chaste for the last month?" he asks. "Well, I am sorry but we didn't make it," the husband said. "We tried but failed. She dropped a can of paint the other day and when she bent over to pick it up, I couldn't help myself and we did it right there." "Well I am sorry, my son, but you and your wife cannot be permitted to join the church", says the Pastor. "We understand," the husband says. "We aren't allowed in the Home Depot anymore either."

Condom politics

Russian President Putin called President George W. Bush with an emergency: "Our largest condom factory has exploded," the Russian President cried. "My people's favorite form of birth control. This is a true disaster!" "Mr. Putin, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you,' replied the President. "I do need your help," said Putin. "Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tide us over?" "Why certainly! I'll get right on it," said Bush. "Oh, and one more small favor, please?" said Putin. "Yes?" "Could the condoms be red in color and at least 10' long and 4' in diameter?" said Putin. "No problem," replied the President and, with that, George Dubya hung up and called the President of condom company. "I need a favor, you've got to send 1,000,000 condoms right away over to Russia." "Consider it done," said the President of condom company. "Great! Now listen, they have to be red in color, 10' long and 4' wide." "Easily done. Anything else?" "Yeah," said the President, "print 'MADE IN AMERICA, SIZE SMALL' on each one.

Position...

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted: 'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am..' The man below replied, 'You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.' 'You must be an Engineer,' said the balloonist. 'I am,' replied the man, 'how did you know?' 'Well,' answered the balloonist, 'everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip by your talk.' The man below responded, 'You must be in Management.' 'I am,' replied the balloonist, 'but how did you know?' 'Well,' said the man, 'you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fucking fault.'

Politics

A Paki son asks his dad: "Dad, what's democracy?", "Well, son, that's when whites work and we get all the benefits from it!..." "But dad, aren't the white people pissed off about it?"."Sure they are, but that's called 'racism'"...

Peaches All Flavors

A man named James was driving down the road and saw a sign that said "Peaches All Flavors". So James pulled over to check it out. James asked the guy at the stand "What does your sign mean?" He said "Well its pretty much what you read, 'Peaches All Flavors'. He smiled. So James said, "Okay, get me a peach that taste like cherry." He went to the back and got James a peach. It Looked just like a regular peach. But when James took a bite it tasted just like a cherry. So he said "Okay, now get me a peach the taste like... peanut butter and jelly." The man went to the back again. He took a few minutes, He came back with a peach. Looked just like any other peach. James took a bite and it tasted like peanut butter. James said "Haha, No jelly!" He said "Flip it over..." So James did and it tasted just like jelly. James then decided to be creative and thought he should come up with a flavor that couldn't exist, so he said "Great, now go get me a peach that taste like.. pussy." The man said "Hmm ok." He went to the back and took a few minutes. He brought James a peach. It looked like an ordinary peach just like the other two. He proceeded to take a bite and when he did he spit it out and yelled "THIS TASTE LIKE COMPLETE AND UTTER SHIT!" The man laughed laughed and said "Flip it over!"

Martian sex

The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen bring up the subject of sex. "Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen. "Pretty much the way you do," responds the Martian. Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weeny member - about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick. "I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen. "Why?" he asks, "What' s the matter?" "Well," she replies, "It' s just not long enough to reach me!" "No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long. "Well," she says, "That' s quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow...." "No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman. "Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love. The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways. As they walk along, Mike asks "Well, was it any good?" "I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?" "It was horrible," he replies, All I got was a headache. All she kept doing the whole time was slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."

Stock market these days

If you had purchased $1000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you would have $49.00 today. If you purchase $1000 of shares in AIG you would have $33.00. If you purchased $1000 of shares in Lehman brothers, you would have $0.00 today. But, if you purchased $1000 worth of beer, drank all the beer, turned in the aluminum cans for recycling, you would have $214.00. Therefore the best current investment plan is to drink heavily and recycle. It is called the 401-Keg plan.

Scientific sexism

Simple science tells us that women should be ironing. The difference between 'male' and 'female' is obviously the 'fe'. If we look up 'fe' in the periodic table it stands for iron. Science 1 - 0 Women

Biology exam

Question in a biology exam: Draw the female reproductive organ. As the exam was progressing, a girl looked between her legs. A boy saw her and shouted "Sir, she's copying!!!!!

Japanese taxi driver

A Japanese man hailed a cab and told the driver to take him to the airport. During the journey, a Nissan drove past the taxi. The Japanese man said to the driver, "Nissan, very fast! Made in Japan!" After a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi. Again, the Japanese man told the driver, "Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan!" And then a Mitsubishi overtook the taxi. For the third time, the Japanese said to the driver, "Mitsubishi, very fast! Made in Japan!" The driver was a little angry, but he kept quiet. And this went on for quite a number of cars. Finally, the taxi got to the airport. The fare was over £300. The Japanese exclaimed, "Why so expensive?" The driver said, "Meter, very fast! Made in Japan!"

Only Women Understand

10. Cats' facial expressions
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds
7. Fat clothes
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time
5. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell
4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow
3. Eyelash curlers
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made
1. OTHER WOMEN

Truck drivers...

A trucker is driving down the highway when he hears a loud thump under his semi. He stops to check the damage, then calls his boss. "I hit a pig on the road, and he’s stuck under my truck", he explains. "What should I do?" "Shoot it in the head", answers the boss. "Then pull it out and throw it in the truck." The driver does it, then calls his boss back. "I did what you told me," he explains. "So what’s the problem?" snaps the boss. The driver replies, "I don’t know what to do with his motorcycle."

Free doctor

If you can't afford to get to the doctors, just go to the airport. You get a free xray and breast exam. And if you mention Al Qaeda then you get a free colonoscopy.

Men and women...

Women have to deal with periods, cramping, bloating, hormones, pregnancy, sore backs from baby weight, sore boobs, childbirth, post-partem depression, menopause, hot flashes........ Men have to deal with.....women. I think we are even

Schedule

A man was complaining to a railroad engineer. What's the use of having a train schedule if the trains are always late. The railroad engineer replied. How would we know they were late, if we didn't have a schedule?.

Marriage

A married couple were having a disagreement while sitting in bed. The wife said to her husband, "You're impossible." To which the husband replied, "No. I'm next to impossible."

New car

I bought a new Lexus 350 and returned to the dealer the next day complaining that I couldn't figure out how the radio worked. The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated. "Watch this!", he said, "Nelson"! The Radio replied, "Ricky or Willie?" "Willie!", He continued and "On The Road Again" came from the speakers. Then he said, "Ray Charles!", and in an instant "Georgia On My Mind" replaced Willie Nelson. I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say, "Beethoven," I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said, "Beatles," I'd get one of their awesome songs. Yesterday, a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed my new car, but I swerved in time to avoid them. I yelled, "Ass Holes!" Immediately the French National Anthem began to play, sung by Jane Fonda and Barbara Streisand, backed up by Michael Moore and The Dixie Chicks, with John Kerry on guitar, Al Gore on drums, Dan Rather on harmonica, Barbara Pelosi on tambourine, Harry Reid on spoons, Bill Clinton on sax and Ted Kennedy on scotch. Damn, I LOVE this car!

Lion King

So everyone knows the Lion is the king of the jungle. One day his advisers come to him and they say, "sire, we have a population problem, there are too many animals and not enough food, what shall we do?" The Lion proclaims that every male animal shall have his willie chopped off and be given a receipt for it so that after some years they may return to claim it. Sure enough, the scheme works, the jungle population is back under control, so the Lion sends heralds proclaiming all males to come and receive their former dicks. At the queue all the animals are talking. "I can't wait to get my dick back, its been so terrible without it." "My wife is going to be sore for weeks!" And so on. But there is one animal in line just giddy with excitement. The rabbit is jumping up and down declaring to all the other animals that he is going to fuck every other animal once he gets his dick back. The old elephant behind him tells him to calm down, reminds him that he is just a rabbit after all and that his dick can't be that impressive. The rabbit replies, "that is where you are wrong, I won a game of poker last night and the horse bet his dick receipt.

Go f yourself

Three men, a doctor, a lawyer, and a biker were sitting in a bar talking over a few drinks. After a sip of his Martini, the doctor said, "You know, tomorrow is my anniversary. I bought my wife a diamond ring and a new Mercedes. I figure if she doesn't like the diamond ring, then at least she will like the Mercedes, and she will know that I love her." After finishing his scotch, the lawyer said, "Well, on my last anniversary, I bought my wife a string of pearls and a trip to the Bahamas. I figured if she didn't like the pearls, then at least she would have enjoyed the trip, and she would have known that I loved her." The biker then took a big swig from his beer, and said, "Yeah, well for my anniversary, I got my old lady a t-shirt and a vibrator. I figured if she didn't like the t-shirt, then she could go fuck herself."

Sex talk

My wife came out of our daughter's room with a stupid grin on her face. "You know, I had the sex talk with our daughter like I promised you I would, after all she's almost fifteen" , she said. "And..." "I can't wait to try all the things she was telling me about."