What if the light we see at the end of the tunnel when we die is really us just being pushed out of a vagina into our next life...
Saturday, June 25, 2011
Sex from different point of view
Two women are chatting in an office. Woman 1: "I had sex last night, did you?" Woman 2: "Yes." Woman 1: "Was it good?" Woman 2: "No, it was a disaster... my husband came home, ate his dinner in three minutes, got on top of me, finished having sex in five minutes, rolled over and fell asleep in two minutes. How was yours?" Woman 1: "Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out to a romantic dinner. After dinner we walked for an hour. When we came home he lit the candles around the house and we had an hour of foreplay. We then had an hour long session of fantastic sex and afterwards talked for an hour. It was like a fairytale!" At the same time, their husbands are talking at work. Husband 1: "You wanted sex last night, how was it?" Husband 2: "Great. I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate, had sex with my wife and fell asleep. It was great! What about you?" Husband 1: "It was horrible. I came home, there's no dinner because they cut the electricity because I hadn't paid the bill; so I had to take my wife out to dinner which was so expensive that I didn't have money left for a cab. We had to walk home which took an hour - and when we got home I remembered there was no electricity so I had to light candles all over the house! I was so angry that I couldn't get it up for an hour and then I couldn't climax for another hour. After I finally did, I was so aggravated that I couldn't fall asleep and my wife was jabbering away for another hour!"
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
The wish of dying...
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
Happy Father's Day!
Girlfriend: Happy Father's Day!
Boyfriend: I'm not a dad.
Girlfriend: Yeah...About that...
Marriage hardships
A woman awakes during the night, and her husband isn't in bed with her. She goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she asks. "Why are you down here at this time of night?" The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly. "Yes, I do," she replies. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?" "Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues, "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?'" "I remember that, too," she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, "I would have gotten out today."
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Saturday, June 18, 2011
Cheap sex
George and Harriet decided to celebrate their 25th Wedding Anniversary with a trip to Las Vegas. When they entered the hotel/casino and registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt became very friendly. George brushed her off. Harriet objected, "George, that young woman was nice, and you were so rude." "Harriet, she's a prostitute." "I don't believe you. That sweet young thing?" "Let's go up to our room and I'll prove it." In their room, George called down to the desk and asked for 'Bambi' to come to room 1217. "Now," he said, "you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough to hear us, OK?" Soon, there was a knock on the door. George opened it and Bambi walked in, swirling her hips provocatively. George asked, "How much do you charge?" "$125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services." Even George was taken aback. "$125! I was thinking more in the range of $25." Bambi laughed derisively. "You must really be a hick if you think you can buy sex for that price." "Well," said George, "I guess we can't do business. Goodbye." After she left, Harriet came out of the bathroom. She said, "I just can't believe it!" George said, "Let's forget it. We'll go have a drink, then eat dinner." At the bar, as they sipped their cocktails, Bambi came up behind George, pointed slyly at Harriet, and said, "See what you get for $25?"
Friday, June 17, 2011
Happy or sad?
Husband: Bet you cannot tell me something that can make me happy and sad at the same time.
Wife: Out of all your friends you have the biggest dick.
Last words
Jack is on his death bed, and he says to his wife, "Can you give me one last wish?" She says, "Anything you want." He says, "After I die, will you marry Larry?" She says, "But I thought you hated Larry." With his last breath, he says, "I do."
Paycheck vs. Penis
What's the difference between your paycheck and your dick? You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck.
TV remote
Some guy broke into my house last week, and all he took was the TV remote. Now he drives by and changes the channels... Pure evil...
Pizzacology
Q: What do a gynocolgist and a pizza boy have in common?
A: They can smell it but can't eat it.
Immigrant's admission
Do you speak English?
-Yes
Name?
-Adolf Bumin
Sex?
-3 to 5 times a week.
No, I mean..male or female?
-Yes, male, female and sometimes camels.
Holy cow!
-Yes, cows, sheep... Animals in general.
Oh dear.
-No, deer runs too fast.
Grenade
What do you do when a blonde girl throws a grenade at you? Pick it up, pull the pin and throw it back.
Math
Math problems: the only place where someone can buy 60 watermelons and no one ever wonders why.
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Devil
A Sunday school teacher asked Little Johnny, "Do you believe in the Devil?" "No," said Little Johnny. "It's the same as Santa Claus. I know it's my daddy."
What a smart-ass
I can't figure out why everyone calls me a smart-ass. Is it because I'm smart and have a great ass?
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Erotic vs. Kinky
What is the difference between erotic and kinky? Erotic is using a feather. Kinky is using the whole chicken.
Ass
Life is all about ass. You're either working your ass off, sweating your ass off, laughing your ass off, kicking ass, kissing ass, spanking ass, hauling ass, wiping ass, busting ass or just trying to get a piece of ass!
Clever student
A teacher asks her class, “If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them how many will be left?” She calls on little Johnny. He replies, ”None, they all fly away with the first gun shot. The teacher replies “The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.” Then Little Johnny says “I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second's gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?” The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, “Well I suppose the one that’s gobbled down the top and sucked the cone” To which Little Johnny replied, “The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on, but i like your thinking.”
Burning building
A brunette, a redhead and a blonde escape a burning building by climbing to the roof. The firemen are on the street below holding a blanket for them to jump into. The firemen yell to the brunette "Jump jump! It's your only chance to survive!" The brunette jumps and SWISH the firemen yank the blanket away leaving the brunette to slam into the pavement. "C'mon you gotta jump!" the firemen say to the redhead. "No! You're going to pull the blanket away!" says the redhead. They reply, "No its brunettes we can't stand! We like redheads!" So the redhead jumps and SWISH the firemen yank the blanket away & the redhead is flattened on the sidewalk. Finally the blonde steps to the edge of the roof. Again the firemen yell, "Jump! You have to jump!" The blonde yells, "No way! You will pull the blanket away!" When they try to convince her otherwise she says, "Look, nothing you can say is going to convince me that you're not going to pull the blanket away! So what I want you to do is put the blanket down, and back away from it..."
Killing the snake
Little Johnny was 7 years old, and like other boys his age, rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about courting from other boys and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took his questions to his mother and she became flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did and the following morning Johnny described everything to his mother. "Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for awhile, then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started to kiss and hug her. I figured she must be starting to get sick because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart just like the doctor would. He was getting sick too because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting outta breath. His other hand must have been getting cold cuz he put it under her skirt. This is when sis's fever started. I know this 'cause she told him she was really HOT. Finally I found out what was making them sick...a big snake had gotten in his pants somehow. It just jumped outta his pants and stood there about 9 inches long. He grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away. When she saw it she got really scared 'cause her eyes got big, her mouth fell open and she started calling to God. She got brave and tried to kill the snake by biting its head off. All of a sudden she made a noise and let the snake go. I guess it bit her back. Then she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the snakes head to keep it from biting again. Sis laid back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor lock on it. He helped her by laying on top of the snake. The snake put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost broke the couch. After awhile they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. He sat up and sure enough they had killed the snake. I knew it was dead becuz it just hung there limp and some of its insides were hanging out. They were tired from the battle but they started hugging and kissing again. But the snake wasn't dead after all! It jumped straight up & started to fight again. I guess snakes are like cats...they have 9 lives or something. This time sis jumped up & tried to kill the snake by sitting on it. After about 35 minutes of struggle, they finally killed the snake. I know it was dead this time becuz I saw sis's boyfriend peel off the skin and flush it down the toilet." Mother fainted.
The geography of a woman
Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bushland around the fertile deltas. Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like America or Japan. Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with countries with cash or cars. Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of its own beauty. Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France or Argentina. She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit. Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary. Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia or Canada. Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate keeps people away. Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia. With a glorious and all conquering past but alas no future (a bit like Tony Blair, maybe Blair's a women really). After 70, they become Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.
The geography of a man:
Between the ages of 15 - 70 a man is like Zimbabwe - ruled by a dick.
Love in the dark
Alice was becoming frustrated by her husband's insistence that they make love in the dark. Hoping to free him of his inhibitions, she flipped on her reading lamp one passionate night -- only to find a cucumber in his hand. "Is THIS ", she asked, pointing to the vegetable, "what you've been using on me for the last 5 years? " "Honey, let me explain... " "Why, you sneaky bastard! " she screamed. "You impotent son of a -" "Speaking of sneaky," her husband coolly interjected, "maybe you'd like to explain our three kids?"
Bosses & Technology
Boss: "My laptop computer is locked up. Can you help? " Dilbert: "Remember you have to hold it upside down and shake it to reboot. "Boss: "Oh, that's right. "Wally: "I wonder if he'll ever realize we gave him an "Etch-A-Sketch. "
Triplets
A woman pregnant with triplets walking down the street when a masked robber runs out the bank and shoots her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies are okay. The surgeon decides to leave the bullets in because it's too risky to operate. All is fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walks into the room in tears. "What's wrong" asks the mother. "I was taking pee and this bullet came out" replies the daughter. The mother tells her it's okay and explains what happened 16 years ago. About a week later the second daughter walks in to the room in tears. "Mom, I was taking pee and this bullet came out". Again the mother tells her not to worry and explains what happened 16 years ago. A week later the boy walks into the room in tears. "It's okay" says the mom, "I know what happened, you were taking a pee and a bullet came out." "No," says the boy, "I was jerking off and I shot the dog."
Lawyers...
Having already downed a few power drinks, the woman turned to the man beside her, looked him straight in the eyes and said, “Listen up, Buddy. I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean… it doesn’t matter to me. I’ve been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just love it.” Eyes wide with interest, he responded, “No kidding, I’m a lawyer too! What firm are you with?”
Fakeness
Tipped a striper with monopoly money. She said 'That's fake money!' I said, 'Well, those are fake tits!'
Your face
When I see your face there is not a thing that I would change except the direction I'm walking in.
Periodic magazine
I want to start a women's magazine called "Period". And some months I'll send it out late just to freak out my subscribers.
My wife's liar!
"The wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a sympathetic pal seated next to him in the bar. "How do you know?" the friend asked. "She didn't come home last night, and when I asked her where she'd been, she said she'd spent the night with her sister, Shirley." "So?" the friend replied. "So, she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister Shirley!"
Monday, June 13, 2011
Smart blonde
President Obama asked a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead how much it would cost to have sex with them. The redhead said, "$200". The brunette said, "$100". The blonde replied, "Mr. President, if you can get my skirt up as high as my taxes, my panties as low as my wages, get your dick as hard as the times we're living in now, keep it rising like gas prices and screw me the way you have the retirees, it won't cost you a fuckin penny!
Friday, June 3, 2011
Drunk vs. Stoner
What's the difference between the drunk and the stoner? A drunk will drive through a stop sign, a stoner will wait for it to turn green.
Marriage
I've been married for 22 years. When I got married my wife had big tits, like oranges, round and firm. Now they're like onions, when you look at them you want to cry.
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Crowbar from Sears
A huge guy walks into a bar and goes to the smallest guy in there. He karate chops the small guy and says "That was a karate chop from Korea!" The small man not wanting any trouble shakes it off and returns to his drink. A little while later, the big guy walks to the same small guy and *WHACK* he hits him again and says "That was a karate chop from China!" Again, the small man shakes it off but this time leaves the bar. A few minutes later he returns and *THUD*, the big man falls to the floor unconscious. The small man looks at the bartender and says "When the dumbass wakes up, tell him it was a crowbar from Sears."
Rubbing eyes
Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up in the morning? Because they don't have any balls to scratch.
Midget harassment
If a midget walks past you and tells you that your hair smells nice, is it considered sexual harassment?
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Manly emotions
Men have two emotions: hungry and horny. So if you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
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