Hide and seek

So me and my phone are playing hide and seek. The bitch is good.

Moth shut

A women goes into a doctor office with severe bruises and lacerations. The doctor asked her what happen. She told him she didnt know what to do...everytime her husband comes home drunk he beats her to a pulp. The doctor tells her he has a good medicine for her problem. He tells her " The next time your husband comes home drunk, get a glass of sweet tea and get a big gulp in your mouth. Just swish and swish but dont swallow until he goes to bed and falls asleep.Two weeks later the women comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn. The women says.. Doctor that was a wonderful idea, everytime my husband came home drunk I swished with sweet tea and he didnt touch me. The Doctor says well you see how much just keeping your mouth shut helps

Jezuz...

A drunk stammers out of a bar and runs into two priests. He runs up to them and says, ''I'm Jesus Christ.'' The first priest says, ''No, son, I'm Jesus Christ.'' So the drunk says it to the second priest. The second priest replies, ''No, son, I'm Jesus Christ.'' The drunk says, ''Look, I can prove it.'' and walks back into the bar with the priests. The bartender takes on look at the drunk and exclaims, ''Jesus Christ, you're here again?''

Talking during sex

I know how to take care of the woman's needs. Most guys don't even talk to you when they're having sex with you. If you're lucky, they're just like, 'I'm falling off the bed.' You're lucky if you get that. But not me --every girl I have sex with gets the Questionnaire. I'm always like: 'How are you enjoying this so far?
Have I been courteous and kind?
Would you recommend me to a friend?'

Eating in between

A woman goes into a tattoo parlour and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh just below her bikini line. She also wants him to put "Happy Thanksgiving" under the turkey. So the guy does it and it comes out looking really good. The woman then instructs him to put a Santa tattoo with "Merry Christmas" up on her left thigh. So the guy does it and it comes out looking good, too. As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist asks, "If you don't mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?" She says "I'm sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that there's nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas!"

BJ Etiquette

Blow Job Etiquette From A Male Viewpoint
1. First of all, yes you're obligated to do it. If you don't, we will find someone (younger, prettier and dirtier) who will.
2. Second, swallowing a teaspoon full of cream is a hell of a lot easier than licking a dead fish.
3. You want to talk about farting? Does the word "queef" mean anything to you?
4. I will use your ears as I see fit. don't worry about it and be thankful I'm not pulling your hair.
5. When you're on your period, stuffing something in your mouth is the only way to stop you from bitching and moaning. Suck it up!
6. Speaking of which, if you are bleeding for five straight days, you need all the fluids you can get. trust me.
7. You bitch about the taste, but trust me when I tell you that we get the short end of the stick in flavor country.
8. At least there is no danger of a dick bleeding in your mouth.
9. Play with the balls.
10. No matter how good you think you are at it, we've had better.
11. Make hay when the sun shines. It's "Wide awake" in the morning now, but when you get old and fat and looking for some action, I gah-ron-tee it'll be "Sound asleep".
12. If you swallow, then you don't have to worry about getting any on your face, now will you?

Myths busted

Love is in the air? False. Nitrogen,oxygen, argon, and carbon dioxide are in the air.
Life is short? False. It's the longest thing you do.
All men are created equal? False. Explain midgets.
United States is the land of the free? False. The US has more prisioners per capita than any other country in the world.
Why was six afraid of seven? It wasn't. Numbers are not sentient and thus incapable of feeling fear.
Home is where the heart is? False. The chest cavity is where the heart is. "Shoot for the moon, even you miss you'll land among the stars"? False. The nearest star is 93 million miles from the moon.
Love is all you need? False. You need water and rations.

Dogophobia

They say that if you're afraid of homosexuals, it means that deep down inside you're actually a homosexual yourself. That worries me because I'm afraid of dogs!

Multitasking

If women are such good multi taskers why can't they have a sex with a headache?

Clit

Renault and Ford are working on a new car for women together. Its a mix between the Clio and the Taurus and is called the clitaurus, it comes in pink, and the average male thief will be unable to find it even if told where it is.

Sex...

Apparently "Sex" can lead to some pretty horrific things. For example: Herpes, Syphillis, Gonorrhea, HIV and even something known as a relationship.

Drinkin blood?

A vampire goes into a pub and asks for boiling water. The barman says "I thought you only drank blood?" The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says "I'm making tea".

Too much Call of Duty

You know you play too much Call of Duty when:
You hit the deck and yell 'GRENADE!' When you hear something fall next to you.
You yell at your co-workers, ' Cover me, I'm reloading!' When you run out of staples.
You grab your boss's briefcase, open it for 5 seconds, throw it out of the window and say, 'Bomb diffused, Good job team!'
You see a airplane in the sky and yell 'Enemy AC130 Above!'
You see someone get hit by a car and you say, 'Tango down'.
You see a soldier on TV with a M203 attached to his M16 and you turn of the TV 'cause he is a noob.
You run for cover whenever you hear a helicopter.
Your dog jumps on you and you instinctively snap it's neck.
You finish a magazine then yell, 'Changing mag!'.

Cards you will never see printed by Hallmark

"Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife."
"How could two people as beautiful you have such an ugly baby?"
"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind."
"I must admit, you brought Religion in my life. I never believed in hell until I met you."
"Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder: What was I thinking?"
"As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me."
"If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister."
"As you grow older, Mom, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy..."
"Thanks for being a part of my life!!!I never knew what evil was before this!"
"Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would like to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again."
"Someday I hope to get married, but not to you."
"Sorry things didn't work out, but I can't handle guys with boobs that are bigger than mine."
"Happy Birthday! You look great for your age...Almost Lifelike!"
"When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broke up, I think it's time you kept your promise."
"I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."
"We have been friends for a very long time, what say we call it quits."
"I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here."
"Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?"
"You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket.... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."
"Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday - so we're having you put to sleep."
"Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!!" (available only in Arkansas)

Pregnant blonde

What did the blonde say when the doctor told her she was pregnant? "Are you sure it's mine?"

Clone

If you had a clone and you fucked it, would that be incest or masturbation?

Say what?...

Artificial intelligence has nothing on natural stupidity.

Romantic vacation

Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!" She says, "Well, put them here between my thighs and that will warm them up." After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, "Man! my hands are really freezing!" She says again, "Well, put them here between my thighs and warm them up." He does, and again that warms him up. After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop some wood to get them through the night. When he returns, he says again, "Honey, my hands are really, really freezing!" She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold?"

Nipple...

How do you make 8 or more punds of fat look good? Put a nipple on it!

What men would do if they had a vagina for a day

10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.
9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.
8. See if they could finally do the splits.
7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.
6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.
5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes ... BEFORE closing time.
4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.
3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.
2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too.
1. Finally find that damned G-spot.

Naughty thouhgts...

A woman walks into a dry cleaners with a white stained shirt. "Can you clean this please?" She asks. The man is partially deaf. "Come again?". She replied "No, it's yogurt this time."

Laws of the Universe

1. Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.
2. Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
3. Law of probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
4. Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
5. Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
6. Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (works every time).
7. Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
8. Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
9. Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Making babies

A little boy was playing in the creek behind his house when he suddenly felt the urge to jack off well after a bit of rubbing he had his first ejaculation and it splashed on the rocks by his feet it was so powerful it scared him badly so he ran in the house and yelled for his dad,well the dad runs in the room and says,"what's wrong", the boy says daddy,daddy I was in the creek and my thing started getting stiff so I rubbed it and it felt good, the father said," yeah I know buddy it does feel good",then the boy says I kept rubbing it and it started feeling real good then all of a sudden this white stuff shot out and it scared me.The father laughed a bit and says," don't worry boy its natural that's how babies are made", this seemed to satisfy the boys curiosity and calm him down. The boy went back to the creek, and on the rock he came on was a huge frog,the boy looked at the frog for a minute and said, boy you're an ugly little bastard but daddy loves ya.

Taxing God

A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00. When the postal authorities received a letter addressed to God, USA, they decided to send it to the President. The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5 bill. The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read: Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington D.C. and those assholes took $95 in taxes.

Dictionary for women's personal ads

1. ADVENTUROUS: slept with a lot of men.....
2. ATHLETIC: no tits....
3. AVERAGE LOOKING: has a face only a mother can love....
4. BEAUTIFUL: pathological liar....
5. CONTAGIOUS SMILE: does alot of pills....
6. EDUCATED: was fucked alot at college....
7. EMOTIONALLY SECURE: on medication....
8. FEMINIST: fat.....
9. 40 ISH: 49 1/2....
10. FREE SPIRIT: junkie....
11. FRIENDSHIP FIRST: former slut....
12. FUN: annoying.....
13. GENTLE: dull....
14. GOOD LISTENER: autistic....
15. BBW: hugely fat....
16. NEW AGE: body hair problems...
17. OLD FASHIONED: no BJ's or anal...
18. OPEN MINDED: desperate...
19. OUTGOING: loud and embarrassing....
20. PASSIONATE: sloppy drunk...
21. POET: depressed....
22. PROFESSIONAL: bitch...
23. ROMANTIC: frigid...
24. SOCIAL: pussy like a clowns pocket....
25. VOLUPTUOUS: very fat....
26. WANTS SOUL MATE: stalker...
27. WIDOW: murderer

Jewish Redneck

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?" She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Chicago." He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs. Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?" "Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that Ihave learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality." "Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?" "Well, she explained, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck." Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name." "Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."

Bad day?

So You Think You Had A Bad Day: Maybe we should send some minties to these people. Just remember, it could be worse! (1) The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both. (2) A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her with an axe leaving her mentally retarded. (3) A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. Until that moment he had been happily listening to his Walkman. (4) Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn Germany. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death. And finally. . . . . . . (5) Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits. Your day's not so bad, is it?

Fligh delayed

Little Johnny is outside in the back yard playing with his toy airplane. He takes it up in the air "rrrrrrrrrr" and brings it down for a landing, at which point he yells real loud "All you motherfuckers that wanna get off, get off. All you motherfuckers that wanna get on, get on." Well Johnnys mom is in the kitchen and hears him yell this. Shocked, Johnnys mom runs outside and tells Johnny to go to his room for 3 hours and think about what he's said. Pouting, johnny stomps to his room. 3 hours later Johnny comes out of his room and goes straight for his toy airplane in the back yard. He picks it up, flys it around a little and lands it. With mom lstening closely from the window Johnny says "all you nice people that want to get off, get off. All you nice people that wanna get on, get on......and all you motherfuckers complaining about the 3 hour time delay, talk to the bitch in the kitchen.

Class talk

Hot girl: What a nerd
Me: He'll probably be your boss one day so be careful what you say
Nerd: No, I won't be her boss one day because I don't plan on becoming a pimp...
Whole class laughs

Hers & His

HER DIARY: Tonight I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment. Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong; he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry. On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say I love you too. When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched TV. He seemed distant and absent. Finally, I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed, and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster. HIS DIARY: I shot the worst round of golf in my life today, but at least I got laid.

Taxi blow job

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Not a hoe

She's not a hoe. Her pussy is just rated E for Everyone.

Former Marine

A former Sergeant , having served his time with the Marine Corps, took a new job as a school teacher, but just before the school year started he injured his back. He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable. On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. The smart-alec punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and decided to see how tough he really was, before trying any pranks. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and promptly stapled the tie to his chest. Dead silence ... He had no trouble with discipline that year.

Bag of air

I hate it when I buy a bag of air, and there is some chips inside.

Sex ed

Q: Why do 18-year-olds take sex education courses?
A: So they can learn what they've been doing wrong for the past five years.

Next level

I said to my wife, "I think we are ready for the next stage of our relationship" She giggled and said, "What are you on about, silly? We are happily married with two kids, what can possibly be the next step?" "Divorce," I replied.

Tornado women

How are women and tornados alike? They both moan like hell when they come and take the house when they leave.

Baby terrorist

What's the difference between a baby and a terrorist? The terrorists wear the diapers on their heads instead of their butts.

Rape

APPARENTLY 1 out of 25 women have a secrete rape fantasy..... this means that after 24 attempts,tomorrow night I should meet the woman of my dreams.

Toyota

Toyota, Moving Forward. Even when you push the break pedal.

Clock fight

Just had a fight with my alarm clock. It wanted me to wake up, I disagreed. Things got violent. Now the alarm clock is broken and I'm wide awake. Not sure who won.

Living alone

The only benifit of living alone is being able to take a shit with the door open.