Saudi Arabic student

A young, rich man from Saudi Arabia came to study in London. After a few weeks, he began to feel like an outsider, so he wrote a letter to his parents: 'Dear Mum and Dad, I don't like it here, I go to college in my 24 carat gold Ferrari and all the teachers and other students come by train. I'm so embarrased'. He then received a check for a million pounds from his parents, along with a note reading: 'Don't embarrass us son, go and buy yourself a train!'

Wife wanted

One day a man inserted an 'advert' in the local classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

World War 2 porn

I saw some porn made during the second World War. The stars were a British soldier and a German woman. The soldier slowly unbuttons the woman's blouse, kissing her neck as he does so. He then unclips her bra to reveal her round, pert breasts. He licks and then sucks gently on her erect nipples. Next, he removes her skirt. She is wearing black stockings and suspenders, with lacy knickers. He nudges her underwear to one side so that he can spread her moist lips, teasing her with his fingers. He then pulls her knickers off completely, and pushes her onto the bed. The Brit looks over the German, in complete control. He kneels down and begins to lap at her pussy, slowly at first, then building up speed. He flicks her clit relentlessly. She starts to moan, clasping the headboard tightly in readiness for the climax. The end is near, and they both know it. She wriggles on the bed, helpless at what is about to happen. At that point, an American soldier kicks down the door, pushes the Brit to one side, and spunks in the German's face.

Pharmacy

A pharmacist walked into his shop to find a man leaning against the wall. "What's wrong with him?" he asked the assistant. "He came in for cough syrup, but I couldn't find any. So I gave him an entire bottle of laxatives.""You fucking idiot .... You can't treat a cough with laxatives!" said the pharmacist." "Of course you can!" replied the assistant, "look at him, he's too fucking scared to cough now!"

School's for nothin

This is a true story of when I was walking through the Amsterdam red light district and one of the ladies propositioned me: "How much love?" "Suck and fuck £25" "Well how much for a suck?" "£20" "So...a fuck's just £5?" Proof that what you get taught at school counts for shit in the real world.

Hooker

This guy was walking down the street and this hooker says, "Say, wanna have a good time?" "Sure," he says and they were off to the nearest motel. She takes off her clothes and he keeps staring at her. She says, "Is this the first pussy you seen since you crawled out of one?" The guy says, "Nope, just the first one I've seen big enough to crawl back into."

Budweiser method

Three men are walking down the street. One is from California, one is from New York, and the last is from St. Louis. A good looking woman walks by ... the man from California states "She’s about an 8." The man from New York states "No, no ... she’s a 6." The man from St. Louis says "Hell no, she’s a 1." The two men look at the guy from St. Louis and turn to each other and say, "Well, she was not that good looking." All three continue walking down the strip. As chance happens another woman walks by. She is more beautiful than the first. The man from California exclaims "9" The man from New York cries "8.5" The man from St. Louis says "2" The man from California and New York State, "I guess it takes all types." Finally an extremely beautiful woman crosses their line of sight. The man from California and New York simultaneously state "10" The man from St. Louis states loudly, "3.5" The man from New York asks the man from St. Louis, "What the hell is wrong with you?" "Are you gay?" "She was beautiful!" The man from St. Louis turns to him and says, "I’m using the Budweiser method." The man from California asks "What is that?" The man from St. Louis responds "The Budweiser method is to see how many Clydesdales it would take to pull her off my face."

Nuns

Sister Mary goes into a liquor store, picks up a bottle of vodka and puts it on the counter. The clerk looks at the bottle, then at the nun and says "miss I can not sell you this bottle out of good conscience because you are a nun" sister Mary replies "oh, but it is not for me, you see sister Teresa is a little constipated and this will help her from the pain she has been having the past couple days." "Well alright" says the clerk "as long as you promise that it is just for sister teresa" the nun agrees, and buys the bottle and walks out the door. A few hours later it is time for the clerk to close up shop, he walks to the front door to lock it when he notices some commotion outside. He steps out the door only to find sister mary, drunk as a skunk, with a huge crowd around her. The clerk runs over to her and asks "sister Mary, what happened? I thought that this bottle was to help sister Theresa?" The nun says "It Is! Sister Theresa is going to SHIT her pants when she sees me like this!"

Married man

About six months ago johns wife died an untimely death. He loved his wife and had been married to her for almost 23 years. One day, John was feeling his oats as well as a little sorry for himself. "It's been so long since I got any," lamented John. "I'm a pretty healthy guy and I'm used to getting a lot of sex," he said. "But now that my wife is dead, I haven't had sex in over six months!" So, he got a crazy idea. "I will just dig up the wife and see what's going on," he thought to himself. So, he did. When he got her out of the ground, he saw that she was only a little flaky around the edges, so he decided to do her like a jackrabbit. Well, pretty soon, he noticed that she was just lying there like a fish and was all cold and clammy. John remarked: "Wow, she hasn't changed a bit!"

Fast food difference

The girls at hooters may be hot, but the girls at subway are real wife material.

Coming...

A truck driver was going down a steep incline when, at the foot of the hill, he was able to make out a couple having sex in the middle of the road. Five times on his descent he sounded his horn, but they didn't move. He finally brought the truck' to a halt inches from them. The truck driver got out and stormed: "What the hell's the matter with you two?. Didn't you hear me? You could have been killed!" The man replied nonchalantly: "Listen, I was coming, she was coming, and you were coming. You were the only one with brakes."

Old ladies...

Two elderly ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking. The lady asked, "What's that? " "A condom," the other lady responded. "This way my cigarette doesn't get wet. " "Where did you get it? " the other lady asked. "You can get them at any drugstore. " The next day, the first lady hobbled herself down to the local drugstore and announced to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy looked at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but politely asks what brand she prefers. "It doesn't matter as long as it fits a Camel. " The pharmacist fainted."

Swimming pool

Little Johnny is approached by the lifeguard at the public swimming pool. "You're not allowed to pee in the pool," said the lifeguard. "I'm going to report you." "But everyone pees in the pool," said Little Johnny. "Maybe," said the lifeguard, "but not from the diving board."

Old people...

Grandma and Grandpa were watching a religious healing program on TV. The Evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed to put one hand on the TV and the other on the body part they wanted healed. Grandma hobbled to the TV and put one hand on her arthritic hip. Grandpa made his way the the set and put one hand on the TV and the other on his crotch. Grandma looked at him with disgust. "YOU JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND, YOU OLD COOT.....THE PURPOSE OF THIS PROGRAM IS TO HEAL THE SICK, NOT RAISE THE DEAD."

Adultery

An old priest got sick of everyone in his parish confessing adultery. During one Sunday's sermon he told them, ‘If one more person confesses to adultery, I'll quit!’ Since everyone liked him, they decided to use a code word: ‘fallen’. From then on, anyone who had committed adultery said they had ‘fallen’. This satisfied the old priest and the parishioners, and everything was fine for years, until finally the old priest passed away at the ripe old age of 93. Shortly after the new young priest settled in, he paid a call on the mayor. The priest was quite concerned. ‘You have to do something about the sidewalks in this town, Mayor. You can't believe how many people come into the confessional talking about having fallen!’ The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had explained their code word to the new priest. But before the mayor could explain, the priest shook his finger at the mayor and said - ‘I don't know why you're laughing; your wife fell three times last week!’

God

A man in Topeka, Kansas decided to write a book about churches around the country. He started by flying to San Francisco and started working east to zigzag across the states from there. He went to a very large church and began taking pictures. He spotted a golden telephone on a wall and was intrigued by a sign that read: "$10,000.00 a minute." Seeking out the pastor he asked about the phone and the sign. The pastor answered that this golden phone was, in fact, a direct line to Heaven and if he were to pay the price he could talk directly to God. He thanked the pastor and continued on his way. Visiting churches in Seattle, Boise, Denver, Minneapolis, Chicago, Milwaukee, New York, and other places, he found more phones with the same sign. From each pastor he received the same answer. Finally, he arrived in the southeast part of the U.S. Upon entering a church, low and behold, he saw the usual golden telephone, but this time the sign read: "Calls: 35 cents." Fascinated, he asked of the pastor, "Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church I have found this very same golden telephone, and I have been told it is a direct line to Heaven, and that I could talk to God. However, in the other churches, the cost was $10,000.00 a minute. Your sign reads 35 cents per call. Why is that?" The pastor, smiling benignly, replied: "Son, you're in Florida now. It's a local call."

Wifes...

A man was in a terrible accident, and his ‘manhood’ was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for small, $6,500 for medium, and $14,000 for large. The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected. ‘Well, what have the two of you decided?’ asked the doctor. The man answered, ‘She'd rather remodel the kitchen.’