Discrimination

Boss, to four of his employees: "I'm really sorry, but I'm going to have to let one of you go." BĹack employee: "I'm a protected minority." Female employee: "And I'm a woman." Oldest employee: "Fire me, buster, and I'll hit you with an age discrimination suit so fast it'll make your head spin." They all turn to look at the helpless young, white, male employee, who thinks a moment, then responds: "I think I might be gay..."

Celebrity names

10 years ago we had Johnny cash, Bob Hope, and Steve Jobs. Now we have no cash, no hope. and no jobs, PLEASE don't let Kevin Bacon die.

Truckers...

A truck driver would amuse himself by running over lawyers. Whenever he saw a lawyer walking down the side of the road he would swerve to hit him, enjoy the load, satisfying "THUMP", and then swerve back onto the road. (at this point some of you are probably wondering how the trucker could distinguish the lawyers from the humans. Obviously he saw the trail of slime they left!) One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over. He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?" "I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road," replied the priest. "No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck." The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back away, narrowly missing the lawyer. However even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD". Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer." "That's okay", replied the priest. "I got him with the door!"

Homophobia

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. He thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating. “Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?” she asked. “They’re mating,” her father replied. “What do you call the spider on top?” she asked. “That’s a Daddy Longlegs,” her father answered. “So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?” the little girl asked. As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question, he replied “No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs. The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat and said, “Well, we’re not having any of that faggot shit in our garden.”

How to bathe your cat

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom
3. In one smooth movement put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. (You may need to stand on the lid)
4. At this point the cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this!
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'Power-Wash' and'Rinse'
6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door
7. Stand well back, behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid 8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off
9. Both the toilet and the cat will be sparkling clean.
Yours Sincerely, The Dog.

Vet school

First year students at Texas A&M vet school were attending their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them "in veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: the first is that u not to be disgusted by anything involving the animal body." For an example the professor pulled back the sheet stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing", he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on it. When everyone was finished the professor looked at them and said: "the second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough but its even tougher if you're stupid."

Forbidden

A man and a woman are seated next to each other on a flight. They start eyeing each other up, and both realise they want to do the same thing. He slips a condom out of his pocket, and she looks delighted. “Rear toilet?” he suggests. “Five minutes,” she agrees, and goes off. He waits five minutes, then goes and slips in there with her. “Right, get that condom on.” she says. Soon, they are both sighing with pleasure. But a sharp–eyed stewardess has noticed them, and realised what they are up to. So she humiliates them both by making an announcement over the tannoy, “To the lady and gentleman in the rear toilet. We know what you are doing and it is expressly forbidden by airline regulations. Now, please put those cigarettes out and take the condom off the smoke detector."

How it happens in college

A young cowboy from Wyoming goes off to college, but half way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money. He calls home. "Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in Laramie that will teach our dog, ol' Blue how to talk!" "That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?" "Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says. "I'll get him in the course." So, his father sends the dog and $1,000. About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home. "So how's Ol' Blue doing, son," his father asks. "Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!" "Read!" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?" "Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. "Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!" "Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messing' around with that little redhead who lives in town?" The father exclaimed, "I hope you shot that son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother!" I sure did, Dad!" "That's my boy!" The kid went on to be a successful lawyer

Yeah, I won!

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They get back to his place and as he shows her around his apartment she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom with hundreds and hundreds of cute cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall! It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display. There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears. She is quite impressed by his sensitive side but doesn't mention this to him. They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and after awhile, she finds herself thinking "Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children?" She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love. She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known. After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly "Well, how was it?" The guy gently smiles at her strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says: "Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf."

Kisses

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, the pretty girl said, "I would like to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?" "Only one kiss per yard," replied the male clerk with a smirk. "That's fine," said the girl. "I'll take ten yards." With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, then teasingly held it out. The girl snapped up the package, pointed to the old geezer standing beside her, and smiled, "Grandpa will pay the bill."

Facebook obsessed...

A cop knocked on my door earlier today: "I'm sorry sir, but your wife has been involved in a fatal car crash and we would like you to accompany us so you can identify the body" I said "I'm a bit busy right now. Can't you take a photo and tag me on Facebook? If its her I'll click the like button."

Celebrities...

Sean Connery was sitting by the pool one morning when he got a call from his agent about a new role: "Hi Sean," says his agent. "Listen I want you to meet up with this director tomorrow morning to discuss the part, about ten-ish." "Tenish?" asks Sean. "I don't even own a racket!"

Penis transplant

Two guys are drinking together at a bar and go into the bathroom. Standing at the latrine, Bill notices that his buddy is very well endowed. "Wasn't always that way," the buddy says. "It's a transplant. I had it done over on Harley Street. It cost a thousand bucks, but as you can see, it's well worth every cent." So Bill visits the doctor on Harley Street that day. Six months later, the two guys meet up again at the bar. Bill explains, "I took your advice, but you were robbed. I got mine for $500, not a thousand." They go back to the restroom to compare. "No wonder," his buddy says, "That's my old one!"

Proposal gone wrong

Boy: Wilm you marry me?
Girl: Do you have a house?
Boy: No.
Girl: Do you have a BMW?
Boy: No.
Girl: How much is your salary?
Boy: I don't have one,... but...
Girl: No but. You have nothing. You're nobody! How could I possibly marry you?! Just leave me alone!
Boy: (Talking to himself) I live in a mansion, 3 property lands, 3 Ferraris, 2 Porsches. Why do I still need to buy a BMW? And how can I get a salary when I'm the BOSS?!...

Hunting

Why do hunters make the best lovers? Because they go deep in the bush, shoot more than once & always eat what they shoot.

The moment

Why are condoms like cameras? They both capture the moment.

911 condom

A man calls 911: "Come quickly, my son has swallowed a condom!" Five minutes later same man calls back: "Nevermind, I've found another one."

Talking Ben

A guy is driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador sitting there. "You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the Lab replies. After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story?" The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired." The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. "Ten dollars." The guy says. "Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?" "Because he's a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff!"

Guy and girl 2

Girl: How many times do I have to tell u I already have a boyfriend?
Guy: You look like the type of girl that could use two

Reverse psychology

A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After examining the man he says, "Sir, I couldn’t help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?" The man says, "Officer, I couldn’t help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"

Scary shit, literally

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH MY GOD!" Silence. Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"

Kids' imagination

Two little boys are talking in the backyard. “My daddy’s got a penis,” says the first. “My daddy’s got two penises,” says the second. “No way,” says the first. “Yeah,” says the second. “He’s got a small one to pee with and a great big one to clean the baby-sitter’s teeth!”

Guy and girl about alcohol

Guy: do you wanna drink? Girl: no, alcohol is bad for my legs Guy: oh, do they swell? Girl: no, they spread

Midgets...

One night these two midget brothers walk into a bar and one says "Man I'm tired of screwing midget girls lets screw real women." So the other guy agreed. 5 minutes later two blonde's walk into the bar and sit by the two midgets. So the four of them get talking and the midgets ask if they want to come to there hotel rooms and stay the night and have sex. So the two blonde's decide to go. In the first room the blonde and the midget were getting it on when the midget says "Oh baby, I'm sorry this has never happened before, but I can't get hard" So they give up and lay down to go asleep. But through the wall from the second room they hear "1, 2, 3 uh 1, 2, 3 uh", which keeps up all night long. So the next day after the blonde's leave the brothers meet each other again and discuss how there night went. The first midget says "Oh, my night was terrible. I just couldn't get hard." The second midget replies "Mine was worse than that" "What do you mean" said the first guy. "I heard you going "1, 2, 3 uh all night long". To which the second guy replies "Yeah! I couldn't get on the damn bed"

Wrong orders

The officer shouted orders to a nearby soldier. With considerable bravery, the GI ran directly onto the field of battle, in the line of fire, to retrieve a dispatch case from a dead soldier. In a hail of bullets, he dove back to safety. "Private," the officer said, "I'm recommending you for a medal. You risked your life to save the locations of our secret warehouses." "Warehouses!?" the private shouted. "I thought you said whorehouses!"

Onestone

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle and whose given name was 'Onestone' He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone... After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!" The word got around and nobody called him that any more. Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning, Onestone." He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He then made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion... The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone!" Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day and all night, all the next day, and the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die... You know why?? Oh, come on... take a guess! You're going to love this... Everyone knows.. You can't kill Two Birds with OneStone!

Texans...

A Texan went to Chicago and thought he would buy a new "city" outfit. He went into Marshall Fields and when asked by a sweet young woman if she could help him, answered, "Yes ma'am, ya see, I'm from Texas and I want to buy a complete outfit." Well, her eyes lit up as she asked, "Where he would like to start?" "Well ma'am, how about a suit?" "Yes sir, what size?" "Size 53 ... tall, ma'am." "Wow, that's really big." "Yes ma'am, they really grow them big in Texas." "What's next?" she asked. He replied, "How about some shoes." "What size?" "Size 15 ... double D." "Wow, that's really big!" "Yes ma'am, they really grow them big in Texas." "What's next?" "Well, I reckon I'll need a shirt." "Yes sir, what size?" "Nineteen and a half ... 38," he replied. "Wow, that's really big!" "Yes ma'am, they really grow them big in Texas." She virtually glowed as she asked, "Whew ... is there anything else I can do for you?" "No ma'am , I reckon that will be all." Well she tallied up his bill while the Texan was counting out his money. She asked, "Sir could I ask you a question?" "Yes ma'am, I already know what it is and the answer is four inches." She is astonished and blurts out, "Why, my boyfriend is bigger than that!" Without so much as a stutter, the Texan replied, "Across ma'am."

Drunks...

One night a man was getting very drunk in a pub. He staggered back to take a piss, whipping his prick out as he went in the door. However, he had wandered into the ladies room by mistake, surprising a woman sitting on the can, "This is for ladies!" she screamed. The drunk waved his dick at her and said "So is this!"

A dog, a cat... and a penis?

A dog, a cat, and a penis are sitting around a campfire. The dog says "My life sucks,my master makes me do my business on a fire hydrant." Then the cat says "Thats nothing, my master makes me do my business in a box full of cat litter." Then the penis outrageously says "At least your master doesnt put a bag over your head, and makr you do pushups until you throw up."

Mass confusion

There was this old woman who heard a song called "Two Lips and Seven Kisses." She called up information after hearing the song on the radio to get the name of the record company. In dialing, she accidentally called up a gas station, and she asks, "Do you have "Two Lips and Seven Kisses?" The gas station attendant who answered the phone said, "No, but I have two nuts and seven inches!" So the woman asked, "Is this a record?" To which the man replied, "No, its average!"

Sex and drugs

Q: Why does a prostitute make more money than a drug dealer? A: Because a prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again.

Halloween party

I've been invited to a Halloween fancy dress party this weekend. I've decided to go as a Muslim with a backpack. Doesn't come much fucking scarier than that, does it?

i, Robot

Two friends meet in the office of one of them, a notorious techno-geek. "Hey, bud, how are ya?" im good. Congratulations, that new secretary of yours is beautiful!" Well, I'm glad you like her. Believe it or not, she's a robot!" No way, how could that be?" "Way! She's the latest model from Japan. Lemme tell you how she works. If you squeeze her left tit, she takes dictation. If you squeeze her right tit, she types a letter. And that's not all, she can have sex, too!" "Holy shit! You're kidding, right?" "No, she's something, huh? Tell you what, you can even borrow her." So, his friend takes her into the restroom and is in there with her for a while. Suddenly, he hears him screaming "Eeeeyaaaaa! Heeelp" Ooooooh! Aaaaaaah! eeeeeeeeeaaargghhhh!" The guy says, "Shit! I forgot to tell him her ass is a pencil sharpener!"

Planking

This planking craze is really taking off. The old lady next door has been laying face down on her front lawn for 3 days now.

Honesty

That awkward moment when a girl says she's not pretty and a guy says, "Well at least your honest."

Cleverness is so underapreciated...

A student got into trouble at school when his teacher was teaching a math class and he fell asleep. When the teacher proceeded to ask him a question he snapped awake and the teacher took a ruler and pointed it at the boy while saying, "at the end of this ruler is an idiot." The student got into trouble because he replied back, "And which end might you be referring to?"

Politics...

I went over to my neighbors house the other day, we were sitting on the front porch when their young boy arrived home from school. I asked him what he wanted to be when he grew up? "I want to be president!" was his response. So next I asked what do you want to do as president? Again he replied "I want to cloth and feed the homeless." His parents were beaming with pride being democrat. I said why wait you can come over to my house and mow the lawn I'll pay you $50, the we can go to the supermarket and give it to the homeless guy outside. The young boy sat there a while and then said "Why doesn't the hobo get up and come mow your lawn?" I extended my arm and said welcome to the republican party. I haven't heard from the neighbors since.

Marriage's sexual mishaps

My wife came downstairs after her shower and said to me, "I have just shaved my pussy. You know what that means, don't you?" I looked up and said, "Yeah, the drain is plugged."

Personal preference

I was listening to a couple of guys talking in the bar about what type of women they like. I tapped one of them on the shoulder and said, "You go for brains over looks." He turned and said, "What make you say that?" I said, "I've seen your fucking wife."

Little brain, the one down there

Why do men have holes in there penis? So oxygen can get to their brains

Do you miss your wife?...

A trucker goes into a whorehouse and hands the Madam five hundred dollars. He says, "I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich." The Madam says, "For that kind of money, you could have one of my finest girls and surf and turf." The trucker says,"I'm not horny, I'm homesick."

Drunken teenager

A 15-year-old boy asks his dad if he is allowed to have a few drinks at a party that evening. His dad says it's OK as long as he doesn't go too far. The next day, the boy wakes up in pain and discovers he is covered with bruises, but he can't remember a thing about the previous night. He asks his dad, "Did you beat me up last night?" "Listen, son," says his dad, "if you come home at four in the morning and ring the bell a hundred times, that's OK, I can live with that. If you run to the bathroom and puke in the bath and piss in the sink, that's OK, I can live with that too. If you call me a fat, ugly, pimping bastard, that's OK too. If you call your mum a stinking whore and a pox-ridden bitch, I can more or less let that slide. But if you go into the living room, shit on the carpet, ram a bunch of pretzel sticks up your arse and scream 'Right you old cunt! This is now the realm of the hedgehog!', there's a good chance I'll beat you up."

Some good job

The subway car was packed. It was rush hour, and many people were forced to stand. One particularly cramped woman turned to the man behind her and said "if you poke me with your thing one more time, I'm going to the police!" "I dont know what your talking about miss" he said. "Thats my pay check" "oh really", she spat "then you must have some job, cuz thats the fifth raise you've had in the last half hour!"

Good lawyer

A Chicago area divorce lawyer died and found his way to the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?" The lawyer thought for a moment and replied, "Last month I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street." Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was in fact true. Saint Peter said, "Well , that's fine, but that in itself just isn't enough to get you into Heaven." The lawyer quickly retaliated, "Wait Wait! There's more! Four years ago I gave another homeless person a quarter." Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this too had been verified. Saint Peter, unsure of himself, whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?" Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter, "Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."

Age appeal

Matthew, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, showed up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year old blonde. She knocked everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm, and hung onto Matthew's arm and listened intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they cornered him and asked, ‘Matthew, how did you get such a beautiful girlfriend at your age?’ Matthew replied, ‘Girlfriend? She's my wife!’ They're even more amazed, and asked: ‘So, how did you persuade her to marry you?’ ‘I lied about my age’, Matthew replied. ‘Oh! So you told her you were only 50?’ Matthew smiled and said, ‘No, I told her I was 90.’

Larry's bar

A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact,She sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?" "Relax," says the Doctor,"take a deep breath and calm down. Now,tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"

Comeback line

This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base? GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting. FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it? GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range. FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children? GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm. FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers. GENERAL REINWALD: Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you? The radio went silent and the interview ended.