World's smallest handcuffs

What are the worlds smallest handcuffs? Wedding rings.

Goalie

Me: "Leave the bitch alone she has a boyfriend"
Little brother: "Just 'cause there's a goalie doesn't mean you can't score"

Surgeon

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the engine of a Jaguar when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his garage. The surgeon was there, waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car. The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?" The surgeon a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the Jaguar. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked,"So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?" The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and said to the mechanic, "Try doing it with the engine running."

Understanding women

Did you hear about the guy that finally figured out women? He died laughing before he could tell anyone.

Farm job...

A farmer hires a college student to help out on his farm. The farmer calls him over and tells him to sit down for a chat, so the student does. Farmer: you've worked hard all year son and in appreciation I'm gunna throw you a party! Student: well thank you! Farmer: I hope you can handle a drink cos there's gunna be plenty of drinking goin on. Student: Fuck yeah, I can drink as much as anyone else! Farmer: And I hope you can fight cos there's gunna be fighting. Student: yeah I can handle myself, it won't be a problem! Farmer: And I hope your good in the sack cos there's gunna be aload of shaggin goin on! Student: Yes! I'm lookin forward to gettin some action after all this time! Student: what do you think I should wear? Farmer: Who cares? It's only gunna be me and you.

Sexism

My wife was cooking breakfast this morning as my 4 year old daughter and I were at the kitchen table. "Daddy", she asked pointing to the stove, "Where do we get bacon from?" "Well love", I replied, "We get it from a pig." "Wow", said my awestruck little girl. "What else do we get from the pig" "A cup of tea and two rounds of toast if she fucking knows what's good for her", I answered as the wife sobbed over the frying pan.

Father's Day Prayer

"Dear God, this year please send clothes for all those poor ladies in daddy's computer. Amen."