Do you miss your wife?...

A trucker goes into a whorehouse and hands the Madam five hundred dollars. He says, "I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich." The Madam says, "For that kind of money, you could have one of my finest girls and surf and turf." The trucker says,"I'm not horny, I'm homesick."

Drunken teenager

A 15-year-old boy asks his dad if he is allowed to have a few drinks at a party that evening. His dad says it's OK as long as he doesn't go too far. The next day, the boy wakes up in pain and discovers he is covered with bruises, but he can't remember a thing about the previous night. He asks his dad, "Did you beat me up last night?" "Listen, son," says his dad, "if you come home at four in the morning and ring the bell a hundred times, that's OK, I can live with that. If you run to the bathroom and puke in the bath and piss in the sink, that's OK, I can live with that too. If you call me a fat, ugly, pimping bastard, that's OK too. If you call your mum a stinking whore and a pox-ridden bitch, I can more or less let that slide. But if you go into the living room, shit on the carpet, ram a bunch of pretzel sticks up your arse and scream 'Right you old cunt! This is now the realm of the hedgehog!', there's a good chance I'll beat you up."

Some good job

The subway car was packed. It was rush hour, and many people were forced to stand. One particularly cramped woman turned to the man behind her and said "if you poke me with your thing one more time, I'm going to the police!" "I dont know what your talking about miss" he said. "Thats my pay check" "oh really", she spat "then you must have some job, cuz thats the fifth raise you've had in the last half hour!"

Good lawyer

A Chicago area divorce lawyer died and found his way to the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?" The lawyer thought for a moment and replied, "Last month I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street." Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was in fact true. Saint Peter said, "Well , that's fine, but that in itself just isn't enough to get you into Heaven." The lawyer quickly retaliated, "Wait Wait! There's more! Four years ago I gave another homeless person a quarter." Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this too had been verified. Saint Peter, unsure of himself, whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?" Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter, "Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."

Age appeal

Matthew, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, showed up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year old blonde. She knocked everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm, and hung onto Matthew's arm and listened intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they cornered him and asked, ‘Matthew, how did you get such a beautiful girlfriend at your age?’ Matthew replied, ‘Girlfriend? She's my wife!’ They're even more amazed, and asked: ‘So, how did you persuade her to marry you?’ ‘I lied about my age’, Matthew replied. ‘Oh! So you told her you were only 50?’ Matthew smiled and said, ‘No, I told her I was 90.’

Larry's bar

A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact,She sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?" "Relax," says the Doctor,"take a deep breath and calm down. Now,tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"

Comeback line

This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base? GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting. FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it? GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range. FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children? GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm. FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers. GENERAL REINWALD: Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you? The radio went silent and the interview ended.