Buying condoms

I bought a package of condoms and the cashier asked me "Do you need a bag?" I replied, "No, she isn't that ugly."

Vriginity

A guy and a girl are lying in a dorm-room bed after just having sex. The guy lies on his side of the bed and rests. The girl rolls to her side of the bed and says to herself, ’I finally did it! I’m no longer a virgin.’ The guy overhears her talking to herself and asks, ’Are you saying you lost your virginity to me?’ ’Well,’ the girl explains, ’I always wanted to wait until I was with the man I love to lose my virginity.’ Astounded, the guy replies, ’So you really love me?’ ’Oh God no!’ the girl says. ’I just got sick of waiting.

Teen love

Girl: How much do you love me?
Boy: Look at the sky and count the stars.
Girl: But it's morning...
Boy: Exactly....

Headaches

A man was suffering from severe headaches for years with no relief. After trying all the usual cures he was referred to a headache specialist by his family doctor. The specialist asked him what his symptoms were and he replied, ’I get these blinding headaches kind of like a knife across my scalp and....’ He was interrupted. ’And a heavy throbbing right behind the left ear?’ ’Yes! Exactly! How did you know?’ ’Well I am the world’s greatest headache specialist, but I myself suffered from that same type of headache for many years. It is caused by a tension in the scalp muscles. This is how I cured it: Every day I would give my wife oral sex. When she came she would squeeze her legs together with all her strength and the pressure would relieve the tension in my head. Try that every day for two weeks and come back and let me know how it goes.’ Two weeks went by and the man came back. ’Well, how do you feel?’ the doctor asked. ’Doc, I’m a new man! I feel great! I haven’t had a headache since I started this treatment! I can’t thank you enough. And, by the way....nice house!

Barbie

A man walks into the toy store to get a Barbie doll for his daughter. So he asks the assistant, as you would, "How much is Barbie?" "Well," she says, "we have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00." "Hey, hang on," the guy asks, "why is Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?" "Yeah, well, it's like this....Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture..."

Lipprints

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror. There are teachers, and then there are educators ...

Laughing newborn

A baby was just born. He had all his pieces and looked quite normal, except that he was laughing like crazy. I mean laughing real hard. All the doctors and nurses were examining the little thing, in front of the worried parents, but he kept on laughing, his tiny fists all closed and tears rolling from his eyes. One at a time, a pediatrician unfolded the tiny fingers to check if the hand was all right, and... guess what he found? The birth control pill!

Winnie the Pooh

Winnie the Pooh was based on psychological problems. Pooh has an eating disorder, Piglet suffers from anxiety, Eeyore has major depression, Tigger has ADHD, Rabbit has OCD, and Christopher Robin must be a drug addict if his stuffed animals talk to him.

RIP Justin Bieber

Whoever started that RIP Justin Bieber rumor is sick! It's not nice to get people's hopes up like that.

Orgasm

Me and my girlfriend were talking and it got really intimate, so I told her I could make her scream with one finger. She said 'go ahead' so I poked her in the eye.

The beauty of alcohol

Every girl is beautiful, sometimes it just takes the right amount of alcohol to see it.

During sex

During sex I suddenly stopped and didn't move. She asked: "what are you doing?" "I've seen this on YouPorn, it's called buffering" - I replied.

What?

When a woman says, "What?", it's not because she didn't hear you. She's giving you a chance to change what you said.

Love dress

A young girl gets married and a few days later her mother goes to visit. When she knocks on the door, she is shocked to see her daughter open it naked. "What are you doing?" she asks. "Mom, it's my LOVE dress!! Don't you like it?" I'll come back in a few weeks when the honeymoon is over" replies the mom. When she goes back, she is shocked when once again her daughter is naked. "Now what are you doing?" "Mom, it's my LOVE dress. It keeps the marriage spicy!" Later that night the mom decides to try it for herself. When her husband comes home, he gives the same reaction: "Honey, what are you doing?" she give him the same answer her daughter gave her, "It's my LOVE dress! What do you think of it?" Her husband thinks long and hard and says, "I think you should have ironed it."

Dumb as wall

A guy starts a new job, and the boss says, "If you marry my daughter, I'll make you a partner, give you an expense account, a Mercedes, and a million dollar annual salary." The guy says, "What's wrong with her?" The boss shows him a picture, and she's hideous. The boss says, "It's only fair to tell you, she's not only ugly, she's as dumb as a wall." The guy says, "I don't care what you offer me, it ain't worth it." The boss says, "I'll give you a five million dollar salary and build you a mansion on Long Island." The guy accepts, figuring he can put a bag over her head when they have sex. About a year later, the guy buys an original Van Gogh and he's about to hang it on the wall. He climbs a ladder and yells to his wife, "Bring me a hammer." She mumbles, "Get the hammer. Get the hammer," and she fetches the hammer. The guy says, "Get me some nails." She mumbles, "Get the nails. Get the nails," and she gets him some nails. The guys starts hammering a nail into the wall, he hits his thumb, and he yells, "Fuck!" She mumbles, "Get the bag. Get the bag."

Why?

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, “Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?” The first man approached him and said, “Sir, I don’t wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I’ve ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?” The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then says, "My wifes first husband"

Dancing duck

A man walks into a bar with a metal box under one arm and a duck under the other. The man walks up to the bar and asks the bar tender if you give me a free bottle of beer I'll show you my dancing duck. The barman is surprised, but gives the guy a bud and asks the bloke to show him the duck dancing. So the guy puts the metal box on the bar, and stands the duck on top of it. A few seconds later the duck starts to jump around, as if he's doing an Irish jig. Everyone in the bar is now watching this duck dancing, and the barman offers the guy $50 for the duck and the box. The bloke accepts, and the pub is filled day and night for 3 days with people watching the amazing dancing duck. So 3 days after he sold the barman the duck, the guy walks back in to the pub and sees his duck dancing on the box on top of the bar. The barman sees the guy and offers him a bottle of bud on the house. As he gives the guy the bud, the barman asks, Could you tell me how you stop the duck from dancing on top of the box? The man replies, Oh that's easy, you just take the hot coals out.

What is it?

What is six inches long, two inches wide, has a head on it, and women are crazy for it? Money!!!

Hardest golf course

The Most Difficult Golf Course In The World Is "Women Hole". Any Style You Play As Many Shots You Try. And As Much Perfection You Have. You Can Never Get Your Balls In

Kitty style

A Dog Asked A Cat: “Why Do You Hide When You Are Having Sex?” Cat Replied: “Because We Don’t Want Humans To Copy Our Style, They’ve Already Copied Yours“

Hell

Shut dies and goes to hell. As he's wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with a demon. Demon: "Don't be glum, chum.Hell is actually a lot of fun. You a drinking man?" Guy: "Sure, I love to drink." Demon: "Well, you're gonna love Mondays, then.All we do is drink till we pass out." Guy:"That sounds great." Demon: "You a smoker?" Guy: "You better believe it." Demon: "Then you're gonna love Wednesdays–we just smoke our lungs out. And you can't get cancer, 'cause you're already dead." Guy: "Wow, I never realized hell was such a cool place." Demon: "Bet you like to gamble, too." Guy: "Why, yes, I do." Demon: "You'll love Fridays. We have all-day craps games." Guy: "This is amazing!" Demon: "You gay?" Guy: "Uh, no." Demon: "Oooh...you're gonna hate Saturdays.

Lottery

Woman rushes into her house one morning and yells to her husband, Sam, pack up your stuff. I just won the lottery! Shall I pack for warm weather or cold? Whatever. Just so you're out of the house by noon bitch!!