World's smallest handcuffs

What are the worlds smallest handcuffs? Wedding rings.

Goalie

Me: "Leave the bitch alone she has a boyfriend"
Little brother: "Just 'cause there's a goalie doesn't mean you can't score"

Surgeon

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the engine of a Jaguar when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his garage. The surgeon was there, waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car. The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?" The surgeon a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the Jaguar. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked,"So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?" The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and said to the mechanic, "Try doing it with the engine running."

Understanding women

Did you hear about the guy that finally figured out women? He died laughing before he could tell anyone.

Farm job...

A farmer hires a college student to help out on his farm. The farmer calls him over and tells him to sit down for a chat, so the student does. Farmer: you've worked hard all year son and in appreciation I'm gunna throw you a party! Student: well thank you! Farmer: I hope you can handle a drink cos there's gunna be plenty of drinking goin on. Student: Fuck yeah, I can drink as much as anyone else! Farmer: And I hope you can fight cos there's gunna be fighting. Student: yeah I can handle myself, it won't be a problem! Farmer: And I hope your good in the sack cos there's gunna be aload of shaggin goin on! Student: Yes! I'm lookin forward to gettin some action after all this time! Student: what do you think I should wear? Farmer: Who cares? It's only gunna be me and you.

Sexism

My wife was cooking breakfast this morning as my 4 year old daughter and I were at the kitchen table. "Daddy", she asked pointing to the stove, "Where do we get bacon from?" "Well love", I replied, "We get it from a pig." "Wow", said my awestruck little girl. "What else do we get from the pig" "A cup of tea and two rounds of toast if she fucking knows what's good for her", I answered as the wife sobbed over the frying pan.

Father's Day Prayer

"Dear God, this year please send clothes for all those poor ladies in daddy's computer. Amen."

Cowboy lover

Why don't cowboys make good lovers? Because they think 8 seconds is a good ride

Man's mind

Why don't men mind their own business? No mind no business.

Late night BJ

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Dealing with deaf, mafia style

The Mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were 'protecting'. Feeling the heat from the police force, they decided to use a deaf person for this job. If he were to get caught, he wouldn't be able to communicate to the police what he was doing. Well, on his first week, the deaf collector picks up over $50,000. He gets greedy, decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe place. The Mafia soon realizes that their collection is late, and sends some of their hoods after the deaf collector. The hoods find the deaf collector and ask him where the money is. The deaf collector can't communicate with them, so the Mafia drags the guy to an interpreter. The Mafia hood says to the interpreter, "Ask him where the money is. " The interpreter signs, "Where's the money? " The deaf replies, "I don't know what you're talking about. " The interpreter tells the hood, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about. " The hood pulls out a large gun and places it in the ear of the deaf collector. "NOW ask him where the money is. " The interpreter signs, "Where is the money? " The deaf man replies, "The $50,000 is in Central Park, hidden in the third tree stump on the left from the West 78th Street gate. " The interpreter says to the hood, "He says he still doesn't know what you're talking about, and doesn't think you have the guts to pull the trigger. "

Sandbag Billy

Little Johnny goes over to little Billy's house and rings the bell. His mother answers and Johnny asks if Billy can come and play war in the street with his friends. Billy's mother says to Johnny, "You know Billy doesn't have any arms or legs." Johnny replies, "I know, but we want to use him as a sandbag."

Toilet phone

That "Dammit" moment when you forget to take your phone to the toilet so you just sit there like "Now what do I do...?"

First day of school

Mom: "What did you learn at school today sweetie?"
Me: "Obviously not enough, I have to go back tomorrow..."

Johnny's report card

Little Johnny's father said, "Let me see your report card." Johnny replied, "I don't have it." "Why not?" His father asked. "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."

Tetris

If Tetris has taught me anything, it's that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.

School zones

Say what you want about pedophiles but at least they slow down when driving in school zones!

Pedophile mustache

Not every guy with a mustache is a pedophile, but every pedophile has a mustache.

Virtual kid

A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?" The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway. Your mum and I got together in a chat room at Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mum and we met up at cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, I upgraded my floppy disk to a stiffy and then your mum agreed to do a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later, a blessed little pop-up appeared and said: "You've got Male!"

Newlywed rules...

A couple were married and, following the wedding, the husband laid down some rules. "I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want," he insisted. "And, I don't expect any hassle from you. Also, I expect a decent meal to be on the table every evening, unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing with my buddies whenever I want. Those are my rules," he said. "Any comments?" His new bride replied, "No, that's fine with me. But, just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night ... whether you're here or not."