A quickie

A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt comes to his table and asks, “What would you like, sir?” He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers, “A quickie.” The waitress turns and walks away in disgust. After she regains her composure she returns and asks again, “What would you like, sir?” Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, “A quickie, please.” This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding “SMACK!” and storms away. A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers, “Um, Pal, I think it’s pronounced ‘quiche’.”

Surgeons

Four surgeons are sitting around discussing their favorite patients. The first one says I like operating on librarians cause when u open them up everything is in alphabetical order. The second one says I like operating on accountants cause when u open them up everything is in numerical order. The third one says I like operating on electricians cause when u open them up everything is color coded. The fourth one says I like operating on politicians. The rest of the surgeons looked at him in disbelief. He said they r gutless, spineless, brainless, and the head and ass are interchangeable.

Irony...

A nigger asked me the other day what irony was. So I stabbed him and took his wallet.

Necktie or no admission

A guy goes into a restaurant/lounge wearing a shirt open at the collar and is met by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a necktie to gain admission. So the guy goes out to his car and he looks around for a necktie and discovers that he just doesn't have one. He sees a set of jumper cables in his trunk. In desperation he ties these around his neck, manages to fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot and lets the ends dangle free. He goes back to the restaurant and the bouncer carefully looks him over for a few minutes and then says, "Well, OK, I guess you can come in - just don't start anything. "

Death bed

An old man was on his death bed. he wanted badly to take some of his money with him. He called his preist, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside. "Here's $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me". At the funeral each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed, "I had only put $20,000 into the envelope because I needed $10,000 for a new baptistery." "Well, since we're confiding in each other," said the doctor," I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we need new machine at the hospital which cost $20,000." The lawyer was aghast. "I'm ashamed of both of you," he exclaimed. "I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."

Two blacks

What do you call two black men on a videotape? Evidence.

Divorce with kids...

A man and his wife are in court geting a divorce. The problem was who should get custody of the child. The wife jumped up and said: Your Honour, I brought the child into the world with pain and labour. She should be in my custody. The judge turns to the husband and says, What do you have to say in your defence? The man sat for a while contemplating. Then slowly rose. Your Honour, if I put a coin in the vending machine and a Coke comes out, Whose Coke is it, the machines or mine....