Tekken

My smartass 14-year-old son challenged me to a game of Tekken the other day, in front of his mates. I finished him off with a killer combo in under 30 seconds, before proudly exclaiming, "Who's your Daddy?" He replied, "Mum says it was probably the milkman." The little bastard.

Holmes...

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal, they lay down and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see! " "I see millions of stars," Watson said. "What does that tell you? " Holmes asked. Watson replied. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful. Meteorologically, I suspect we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Holmes? " "Watson, you idiot," he said. "Someone has stolen our tent.

Anal

A woman says to her mother, 'I'm divorcing Sheldon. All he wants is anal sex, and my ass hole is now the size of a quarter, when it used to be about the size of a dime.' Her mother says, 'You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman, you live in an 8 bedroom mansion, you drive a Ferrari, you get $1,000 a week allowance, you take 6 vacations a year and you want to throw all that away over 15 cents!'

Hell's laws...

An engineer dies and goes to hell. After a while, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in there and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, hell has air conditioning, working toilets, water fountains and escalators - making the engineer a pretty popular guy. One day God phones Satan up and asks with a sneer: "Hey buddy, how's it goin down there in hell?" Satan snickered back, "Things are going great actually. We've got air conditioning, flush toilets, escalators and the works. Hell (no pun intended), there's no telling what this engineer guy is gonna come up with next." God replies, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have gotten down there; send him back up." To which Satan replied, "No way dude. I like having an engineer on staff, I'm keepin him." God retorted, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs loudly and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are you gonna find a lawyer?"

Milking machine

After years of milking cows with the traditional way, Farmer Giles finds he has enough money to order a high-tech milking machine. The equipment arrives a few days later and, realising his wife is out for the day, decides to test the machine on himself first. After setting it up, he quickly eases his penis into the equipment and flicks the switch. The sucking teat pleasures him better than his wife ever could, but when it's over the machine will not release his member. In desperation, the farmer calls the Customer Service Hotline. "Hello," he winces, "I've just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but, er, how do I remove it from the cow's udder?""Don't worry." Replies the rep. "The machine will release automatically once it's collected two gallons."

Nickels

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy begins choking, getting blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up 2 nickels, but keeps on choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help. A well dressed, attractive, woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant. Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word. As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before. It was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "No," the woman replied. "Divorce attorney."

Multiple orgasms

God was just about done creating the universe, but He had two extra things left in his bag of creations, so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up urinating. "It's a veryhandy thing," God told the couple. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted that ability." Adam jumped up and blurted, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems a sort of thing a man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have thatability.It'd be so great! When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just stand there and let it fly. It'd be so cool. I could write my name in the sand. Oh please God, let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please." On and on he went like an excited little boy who had to pee. Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted that so badly, he could have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy, and she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given this ability. And so Adam was given the ability to control the direction of his misdirection while in a vertical position. And lo, he was happy and did celebrate by wetting down the bark on the tree nearesthim, laughing with delight all the while. And it was good. "Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of leftover gifts. "What's left here? Oh yes, multiple orgasms...