Coming...

A truck driver was going down a steep incline when, at the foot of the hill, he was able to make out a couple having sex in the middle of the road. Five times on his descent he sounded his horn, but they didn't move. He finally brought the truck' to a halt inches from them. The truck driver got out and stormed: "What the hell's the matter with you two?. Didn't you hear me? You could have been killed!" The man replied nonchalantly: "Listen, I was coming, she was coming, and you were coming. You were the only one with brakes."

Old ladies...

Two elderly ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking. The lady asked, "What's that? " "A condom," the other lady responded. "This way my cigarette doesn't get wet. " "Where did you get it? " the other lady asked. "You can get them at any drugstore. " The next day, the first lady hobbled herself down to the local drugstore and announced to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy looked at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but politely asks what brand she prefers. "It doesn't matter as long as it fits a Camel. " The pharmacist fainted."

Swimming pool

Little Johnny is approached by the lifeguard at the public swimming pool. "You're not allowed to pee in the pool," said the lifeguard. "I'm going to report you." "But everyone pees in the pool," said Little Johnny. "Maybe," said the lifeguard, "but not from the diving board."

Old people...

Grandma and Grandpa were watching a religious healing program on TV. The Evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed to put one hand on the TV and the other on the body part they wanted healed. Grandma hobbled to the TV and put one hand on her arthritic hip. Grandpa made his way the the set and put one hand on the TV and the other on his crotch. Grandma looked at him with disgust. "YOU JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND, YOU OLD COOT.....THE PURPOSE OF THIS PROGRAM IS TO HEAL THE SICK, NOT RAISE THE DEAD."

Adultery

An old priest got sick of everyone in his parish confessing adultery. During one Sunday's sermon he told them, ‘If one more person confesses to adultery, I'll quit!’ Since everyone liked him, they decided to use a code word: ‘fallen’. From then on, anyone who had committed adultery said they had ‘fallen’. This satisfied the old priest and the parishioners, and everything was fine for years, until finally the old priest passed away at the ripe old age of 93. Shortly after the new young priest settled in, he paid a call on the mayor. The priest was quite concerned. ‘You have to do something about the sidewalks in this town, Mayor. You can't believe how many people come into the confessional talking about having fallen!’ The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had explained their code word to the new priest. But before the mayor could explain, the priest shook his finger at the mayor and said - ‘I don't know why you're laughing; your wife fell three times last week!’

God

A man in Topeka, Kansas decided to write a book about churches around the country. He started by flying to San Francisco and started working east to zigzag across the states from there. He went to a very large church and began taking pictures. He spotted a golden telephone on a wall and was intrigued by a sign that read: "$10,000.00 a minute." Seeking out the pastor he asked about the phone and the sign. The pastor answered that this golden phone was, in fact, a direct line to Heaven and if he were to pay the price he could talk directly to God. He thanked the pastor and continued on his way. Visiting churches in Seattle, Boise, Denver, Minneapolis, Chicago, Milwaukee, New York, and other places, he found more phones with the same sign. From each pastor he received the same answer. Finally, he arrived in the southeast part of the U.S. Upon entering a church, low and behold, he saw the usual golden telephone, but this time the sign read: "Calls: 35 cents." Fascinated, he asked of the pastor, "Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church I have found this very same golden telephone, and I have been told it is a direct line to Heaven, and that I could talk to God. However, in the other churches, the cost was $10,000.00 a minute. Your sign reads 35 cents per call. Why is that?" The pastor, smiling benignly, replied: "Son, you're in Florida now. It's a local call."

Wifes...

A man was in a terrible accident, and his ‘manhood’ was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for small, $6,500 for medium, and $14,000 for large. The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected. ‘Well, what have the two of you decided?’ asked the doctor. The man answered, ‘She'd rather remodel the kitchen.’