Surgeons

Four surgeons are sitting around discussing their favorite patients. The first one says I like operating on librarians cause when u open them up everything is in alphabetical order. The second one says I like operating on accountants cause when u open them up everything is in numerical order. The third one says I like operating on electricians cause when u open them up everything is color coded. The fourth one says I like operating on politicians. The rest of the surgeons looked at him in disbelief. He said they r gutless, spineless, brainless, and the head and ass are interchangeable.

Irony...

A nigger asked me the other day what irony was. So I stabbed him and took his wallet.

Necktie or no admission

A guy goes into a restaurant/lounge wearing a shirt open at the collar and is met by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a necktie to gain admission. So the guy goes out to his car and he looks around for a necktie and discovers that he just doesn't have one. He sees a set of jumper cables in his trunk. In desperation he ties these around his neck, manages to fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot and lets the ends dangle free. He goes back to the restaurant and the bouncer carefully looks him over for a few minutes and then says, "Well, OK, I guess you can come in - just don't start anything. "

Death bed

An old man was on his death bed. he wanted badly to take some of his money with him. He called his preist, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside. "Here's $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me". At the funeral each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed, "I had only put $20,000 into the envelope because I needed $10,000 for a new baptistery." "Well, since we're confiding in each other," said the doctor," I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we need new machine at the hospital which cost $20,000." The lawyer was aghast. "I'm ashamed of both of you," he exclaimed. "I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."

Two blacks

What do you call two black men on a videotape? Evidence.

Divorce with kids...

A man and his wife are in court geting a divorce. The problem was who should get custody of the child. The wife jumped up and said: Your Honour, I brought the child into the world with pain and labour. She should be in my custody. The judge turns to the husband and says, What do you have to say in your defence? The man sat for a while contemplating. Then slowly rose. Your Honour, if I put a coin in the vending machine and a Coke comes out, Whose Coke is it, the machines or mine....

Fourth grade biology

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says. A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she volunteered. The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident. "Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard! "That must've been scary", said the teacher. "It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'...And before he could say "Fuck", the Rottweiler ate him!"

Priests on vacation

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc. The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their "tourist" garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" topless blonde in a thong bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare. As the blonde passed them she smiled and said "Good Morning, Father. Good Morning, Father." nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests? So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them. Once again, in their new attire, settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a while, the same gorgeous topless blonde, wearing a string, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them, said "Good morning, Father. Good morning, Father." and started to walk away. One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said. "Just a minute young lady." "Yes, Father?" "We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did you know we are priests, dressed as we are." "Father, it's me, Sister Angela." she replied

Society will kill you

Teenager: I think I'm really ugly, I hate it.
Society: Oh my God, what an attention seeking!
Teenager: I think I look good today.
Society: You're so full of yourself!
Teenager: I don't know how to act around most people.
Society: Just be yourself, that's all anyone can ask for.
Teenager: being herself
Society: What a freak, what the fuck are you doing you idiot?!
Teenager: commits suicide
Society: That's such a shame, she was a great person. People should've told her how amazing she was when she was actually alive rather than wait till now! Society will kill you.

Trying to make fun of cops

Cop pulls over some gangbangers for speeding.
Hardcore driver: "What's the problem *coughs* pig?"... Friends laugh.
Cop: "Where's the little girl?
Hardcore driver: "Are you off your rocker homie?... We ain't got a little girl".
Cop pulling out his gun: "Where is the fucking little girl?!?!".
Hardcore driver: "Sir, we don't have a little girl".
Cop cocking and pointing his gun at the driver: "Last time ese, where is the little girl?!!!!". Hardcore driver starts crying
Cop: "There's my little bitch, have a good day and drive safely".

Gay people

Two gay gentlemen are walking through a zoo. They come across the gorillas and after a while they notice that the male gorilla has a massive erection. The gay men are fascinated by this. One of the men just can't bear it any longer and he reaches into the cage to touch it. The gorilla grabs him, drags him into the cage and mates with him for six hours nonstop. When he's done, the gorilla throws the man back out of the cage. An ambulance is called and the man is taken away to the hospital. Next day his friend visits him in the hospital and asks, "Are you hurt?" "AM I HURT?", he shouts, "Wouldn't you be? He hasn't called, he hasn't written...

Senior citizens

Howard is 95 and lives in a senior citizen home. Every night after dinner, Howard goes to a secluded garden behind the center to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life. One evening, Annabel, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat, and before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short lull in their conversation, Howard turns to Annabel and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?" She asks "What?" and he replies "SEX!!!" Annabel exclaims, "Why you old fart, you couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!" "I know", Howard says, "but it would be nice if a woman just held it for a while". "Well, I can oblige", says Annabel, who gently unzips his trousers and removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Annabel would hold Howard's manhood. Then, one night, Howard didn't show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Annabel decided to find Howard and make sure that he was O.K. She walked around the senior citizen home where she found him sitting by the pool with another female resident who was holding Howard's manhood! Furious, Annabel yelled, "You two-timing creep! What does she have that I don't have?" Howard smiled and replied, "Parkinson's"