Tekken

My smartass 14-year-old son challenged me to a game of Tekken the other day, in front of his mates. I finished him off with a killer combo in under 30 seconds, before proudly exclaiming, "Who's your Daddy?" He replied, "Mum says it was probably the milkman." The little bastard.

Holmes...

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal, they lay down and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see! " "I see millions of stars," Watson said. "What does that tell you? " Holmes asked. Watson replied. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful. Meteorologically, I suspect we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Holmes? " "Watson, you idiot," he said. "Someone has stolen our tent.

Anal

A woman says to her mother, 'I'm divorcing Sheldon. All he wants is anal sex, and my ass hole is now the size of a quarter, when it used to be about the size of a dime.' Her mother says, 'You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman, you live in an 8 bedroom mansion, you drive a Ferrari, you get $1,000 a week allowance, you take 6 vacations a year and you want to throw all that away over 15 cents!'

Hell's laws...

An engineer dies and goes to hell. After a while, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in there and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, hell has air conditioning, working toilets, water fountains and escalators - making the engineer a pretty popular guy. One day God phones Satan up and asks with a sneer: "Hey buddy, how's it goin down there in hell?" Satan snickered back, "Things are going great actually. We've got air conditioning, flush toilets, escalators and the works. Hell (no pun intended), there's no telling what this engineer guy is gonna come up with next." God replies, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have gotten down there; send him back up." To which Satan replied, "No way dude. I like having an engineer on staff, I'm keepin him." God retorted, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs loudly and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are you gonna find a lawyer?"

Milking machine

After years of milking cows with the traditional way, Farmer Giles finds he has enough money to order a high-tech milking machine. The equipment arrives a few days later and, realising his wife is out for the day, decides to test the machine on himself first. After setting it up, he quickly eases his penis into the equipment and flicks the switch. The sucking teat pleasures him better than his wife ever could, but when it's over the machine will not release his member. In desperation, the farmer calls the Customer Service Hotline. "Hello," he winces, "I've just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but, er, how do I remove it from the cow's udder?""Don't worry." Replies the rep. "The machine will release automatically once it's collected two gallons."

Nickels

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy begins choking, getting blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up 2 nickels, but keeps on choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help. A well dressed, attractive, woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant. Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word. As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before. It was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "No," the woman replied. "Divorce attorney."

Multiple orgasms

God was just about done creating the universe, but He had two extra things left in his bag of creations, so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up urinating. "It's a veryhandy thing," God told the couple. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted that ability." Adam jumped up and blurted, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems a sort of thing a man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have thatability.It'd be so great! When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just stand there and let it fly. It'd be so cool. I could write my name in the sand. Oh please God, let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please." On and on he went like an excited little boy who had to pee. Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted that so badly, he could have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy, and she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given this ability. And so Adam was given the ability to control the direction of his misdirection while in a vertical position. And lo, he was happy and did celebrate by wetting down the bark on the tree nearesthim, laughing with delight all the while. And it was good. "Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of leftover gifts. "What's left here? Oh yes, multiple orgasms...

Nudists

A man joined a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he took off his clothes and started to wander around the area. A gorgeous petite blonde walked by, and the man immediately got an erection.The woman noticed his erection, came over to him and asked, did you call for me?" The man replied, "No, what do you mean?" She said, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me." Smiling, she lead him to the side of the swimming pool, laid down on a towel eagerly pulled him to her and happily let him have his way with her. Later, the man continued to explore the colony's facilities. He entered the sauna and as he sat down, he farted. Within seconds a huge, hairy man lumbered out of the steam room toward him. "Did you call for me?" asked the hairy man. "No, what do you mean?" replied the newcomer. "You must be new." answered the hairy man, "It's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spun him around, put him over a bench and had his way with the newcomer. The newcomer staggered back to the colony office where he was greeted by a smiling, naked receptionist, "May I help you?" she asked. "Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee." "But, Sir," she replied, "you've only been here a few hours. You haven't had a chance to see all our facilities." "Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month, but I fart 15 times a day. I'm outta here."

Sexually active

A mother walks into her daughter's room holding a condom in her hand, "I found this while cleaning your room today... Are you sexually active?" To which the daughter replies, "No, I just lay there."

Blondes

A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman. "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman "I would like to buy this TV. " "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. "Darn, he recognized me," she thought. She went for a complete disguise this time, haircut and new color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before she again approached the salesman. "I would like to buy this TV. " Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. Frustrated, she exclaimed "How do you know I'm a blonde? " "Because that's a microwave," he replied.

Lady's advice

This hot blonde overheard me cussing out the bartender. She approached me outside and told me told me to treat others like you want to be treated. I took her back to my place and had my way with her. I was ready for another round of sex till she ran out the door screaming and crying. Hypocritical bitch doesn't follow her own advice. I wanted her to rape me too.

Triplets

Once upon a time there was a women that was about to have triplets. In her stomach the babies were talking to each other. The first baby says" I want to be a plumber, because there is so much water in here". The second baby says "I want to be an electrician because it is so dark in here". And the last baby says "I want to be a hunter, because if that damn snake comes back in here i'm going to cut it off".

9 volt battery

What does a 9 volt battery and a girls asshole have in common? You know it's wrong, but sooner or later your gonna put your tongue on it.

Problems

Alcohol doesnt solve any problems but then again neither does milk.

Fear

If you want to know what fear looks like, its a man running down the street naked with his cock flapping around. And if you ever see a naked man running down the street, join him. Because if he's choosing to run down the street with his cock flapping round rather than stay where he is, there is some scary ass shit coming the other way.

How blood lines work

A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is an American. She asks her students to raise their hands if they were American too . Not really knowing why but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like flashy fireworks . There is, however, one exception. A girl named Kristen has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. "Because I am not an American." "Then" , asks the teacher, "What are you?" " I'm a proud Canadian", boasts the little girl. The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Kristen why she is a Canadian". Well, my mom and dad are Canadians, so I 'm a Canadian too." The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron . What would you be then?" A pause , and a smile. "Then," says Kristen, "I 'd be an American."

Car insurance?

Forget Geico, you could have saved lots of money on child support by switching to condoms.

When you're drunk

There is man sitting in a bar who is really, really drunk. When the bar closes he gets up to go home. He stumbles and falls couple of times and finally manages to get out of the door. As he gathers himself, he sees a nun passing by. He stumbles over to her and starts punching her in the face. The nun is shocked beyond belief, but before she could say anything, he leans over and punches her again. This time the nun hits the pavement. The drunk stumbles over to her, kicks her in the butt, picks her up and throws her against the wall. By now the nun is very weak and can barely move. He leans over her, grabbing her by the collar of her habit and says, "Not feeling too STRONG tonight, ARE YOU, BATMAN?"

Wedding

At a wedding reception someone yelled, "All the married men please stand next to the person that made your life worth living." The bartender was crushed to death.

Your angry moment

Don't you hate it when you're angry and then somebody makes you smile, and then you're like,"Ugh! I'm trying to be angry, DAMN IT!"?

Advice

Advice for Life: Hold Your Head High, But Your Middle Finger Higher.

Birthday gift

The girlfriend bought me a lovely new watch for my birthday. "Do you like it?" she said. "It's great!" I said, "it will remind me of your vagina." She laughed, "Is that because its exclusive and sexy?" I replied "Nah, its a bit loose around my wrist."

Self control

Definition of self control: working in a bubble wrap store and not popping a single bubble... Not possible.

Top shelf

A midget waddles into the library and asks, "Have you got a book on Irony?" The librarian says, "Yeah, it's on the top shelf."

Spiders in your bedroom

After years of research, I've discovered that if you're scared of spiders they will always turn up in your bedroom. Using that this knowledge... I am now scared of blonde chicks with big tits.

Sex ed

My teenage daughter came home in a rage. "I've just done sex education in school today, Dad! You lied to me! You told me if I have sex before my sixteenth birthday, my boyfriend will die!" I put down my paper: "Oh, he will, sweetheart, he will."

Jechova's witnesses

I can't stand those interfering people who bang on your door and tell you how you need to be "saved" or you'll "burn". Fucking firemen.

Reading books in bed...

A married couple are lying in bed one night. The wife is curled up, ready to go to sleep, and the husband turns his bed lamp on to read a book. As he's reading, he periodically reaches over to his wife and fondles her special area. He does this a few times, but only for a very short interval before returning to read his book. The wife gradually becomes more and more aroused and, assuming that her husband is seeking some encouragement, she gets up and starts stripping in front of him. The husband is confused and asks, "Why are you taking off your clothes?" His wife replies, "You were rubbing me downtown. I thought it was foreplay." The husband says, "No, not at all." His wife asks angrily, "Well, what the hell were you doing then?" The husband says, "I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in my book."

Help wanted

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer." A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer. "The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager. By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can't give you the job." The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, "Yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual." The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, "Meow."