Smoking vs. Peeing

Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a pool?

Hillbilly masturbation

Hillbilly Jim is teaching his son how to masturbate. "Wow, this is fantastic dad" - said son. "Yeah and when you get older you'll get to use your own hand."

The fly smackdown

My girl complained about a fly buzzing around the room but a few smacks solved the problem. The fly is starting to get kinda annoying though.

Creativity

Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.

Hitler's suicide

Why did Hitler commit suicide? He received his gas bill.

Math

My math book commited suicide because it had too many problems.

No roads

Why don't women need driver's licenses? Because there is no roads between the kitchen and the bedroom.

Lying

People say telling the truth is hard. But in reality when you lie you use three parts of your brain compared to one when you tell the truth.

Blacks on the moon

What do you call one black person on the moon? A problem. What do you call two blacks on the moon? Problems. What do you call an entire black population of blacks on moon? Problem solved.

Dead wife

-Doctor, I think my wife is dead.
-Well, how can you tell?
-Sex is the same but the dishes are piling up.

Sex weapons

Girls use sex as a weapon to get what they want. Guys use weapons to get sex.

Blonde sucide

How do you know if a blond tried killing herself when you walk into her room? There are six bullets in the mirror.

Bright side

My wife is a bit depressed because she is fat and ginger. I told her to look on the bright side: she'll never get raped.

Holes?...

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

iPod

No, I will not share my iPod with you. It's called iPod, not usPod.

Air like sex

Why is air a lot like sex? Because it's no big deal unless you aren't getting any.

Eating pussy...

The teacher asks Timmy: "Why did you bring your cat to school today?" Timmy (crying): Because I've heard daddy say to mommy "I'm going to eat that pussy when kids go to school!".

Evenly related

Ernie asks Joe: "If I slept with your wife and we had a child, would that make us related?" Joe: "No, that would make us even."

Women's superpowers

Women have superpowers, they get wet without water, they bleed without injury, make boneless meat hard and can even make men eat without cooking.

Dress code

I was called into my manager's office because of my apparent dress code violation. He said: "You can't wear pajamas to work." "But everyone else does" I replied. "That's because they're fucking patients." 

Computer password

Horny husband helps his wife set up a password for her brand new computer, he types "MY PENIS". She fell on the floor laughing when it said "Error: Not long enough".

Airplane mode

I put my phone (very fast HTC ThunderBolt) into airplane mode and threw it into the air. It is the worst transformer ever...

Data transfer

One sperm cell has 37.5 MB of DNA code in it. That means that a normal ejaculation represents a data transfer of 1587 GB in about 3 seconds. And we thought Verizon's 4G LTE was fast...

People...

There are three kinds of people in this world: those who can count and those who can't.

Used toys

I never get mad when I see my ex with someone else. My parents taught me to give all my used toys away after I finish playing with them.

Lesbian love?

Sex between two woman can be a wonderful thing. Providing that you can get between them...

Letter to chair

Dear Chair,

I realize that you get more ass, but I get more head.

Sincerely,
Pillow

Two man, two sides of the world

There were two man, one on one side of the world was walking on a tight rope 80ft above the ground, the other man on the other side of the world was getting blown by a 80 year old woman. What were they both thinking? Holy shit, don't look down!

Bungee jumping vs. a hooker

What does bungee jumping and sleeping with a hooker have in common? If the rubber breaks, they're both fucked!

Bubbles, not guys

Mom to her daughter: Honey, you're 12, blow bubbles, not guys.

Types of male pissers

Absent Minded: Opens his vest, pulls out his tie and pisses in his pants.

Clever: Uses no hands, shows off by fixing tie with both hands, looks around for admiration and sometimes ends up pissing on the floor and onto his shoes.

Cross-eyed: Looks into urinal on the left, pissed into the one in the center and flushes the one on the right.

Desperate: Waits for a long time, teeth floating and feet shuffling. Starts to piss as he walks up to urinal but before he can unzip himself. Lets out a long groan and grunt as he finally gets to relieve himself.

Disgruntled: Stands for a while, grunts, gives up and walks away.

Drunk: Holds left thumb in right hand and pisses into his pants.

Easily induced: Any thought, mention, sight or slosh of a liquid, from sipping coffee to a runny nose, causes bladder to immediately signal full condition.

Things you can cheat on

GUY (to a girl): You wanna go out?
GIRL: I have a boyfriend.
GUY: I have a math test tommorow...
GIRL: So?...
GUY: Oh, sorry, I thought we were naming things we could cheat on.

al-Qaeda's Failed Recruitment Slogans

• Be All-ah you can be!
• Free camouflage turbans! Sign up today!
• Uncle oSAMa needs you!

Looks...

Looks aren't everything, but you can't masturbate to someone's personality...