Smart-ass kid

One day a little boy gets on a bus and sits behind the bus driver. He starts saying things like: If my mom was a hen and my dad was a rooster, I would be a little rooster, the bus driver said shut up! Still the boy went on, if my mom was a female elephant and my dad was a male elephant, I would be a little male elephant, the bus driver said shut up! Still the boy went on if my mom was a female dog and my dad was a male dog, I would be a little male dog. The bus driver got so mad, and asked: If your mom was a prostitute, and your dad was a faggot, what would you be? The boy answered: “A bus driver”

The real talking dog

A young farm boy from outback Australia goes off to university. As these things go, halfway through the semester he has foolishly has squandered all of his money. So he calls home. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe what modern education is developing. They actually have a program here in Brisbane that will teach our dog Ol' Blue how to talk." "That's amazing!" his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?" "Just send him down here with $2,000," the young guy says, "I'll get him in the course." So ... his father sends the dog and $2,000. About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home. "So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?" his father wants to know. "Awesome! Dad, he's talking up a storm. But you just won't believe this. They've had such good results with talking, they've begun to teach the animals how to read." "Read?!" exclaims his father. "No kidding! How do we get Ol' Blue in that program?" "Just send $4,500. I'll get him in the class." The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. "Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to talk with him, and see him read something!" "Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal. Then he suddenly turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead barmaid at the pub?'" The father groans and whispers, "I hope you shot that fucking bastard before he talks to your Mother!" "I sure did, Dad!" "That's my boy!"

A quickie

A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt comes to his table and asks, “What would you like, sir?” He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers, “A quickie.” The waitress turns and walks away in disgust. After she regains her composure she returns and asks again, “What would you like, sir?” Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, “A quickie, please.” This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding “SMACK!” and storms away. A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers, “Um, Pal, I think it’s pronounced ‘quiche’.”

Surgeons

Four surgeons are sitting around discussing their favorite patients. The first one says I like operating on librarians cause when u open them up everything is in alphabetical order. The second one says I like operating on accountants cause when u open them up everything is in numerical order. The third one says I like operating on electricians cause when u open them up everything is color coded. The fourth one says I like operating on politicians. The rest of the surgeons looked at him in disbelief. He said they r gutless, spineless, brainless, and the head and ass are interchangeable.

Irony...

A nigger asked me the other day what irony was. So I stabbed him and took his wallet.

Necktie or no admission

A guy goes into a restaurant/lounge wearing a shirt open at the collar and is met by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a necktie to gain admission. So the guy goes out to his car and he looks around for a necktie and discovers that he just doesn't have one. He sees a set of jumper cables in his trunk. In desperation he ties these around his neck, manages to fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot and lets the ends dangle free. He goes back to the restaurant and the bouncer carefully looks him over for a few minutes and then says, "Well, OK, I guess you can come in - just don't start anything. "

Death bed

An old man was on his death bed. he wanted badly to take some of his money with him. He called his preist, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside. "Here's $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me". At the funeral each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed, "I had only put $20,000 into the envelope because I needed $10,000 for a new baptistery." "Well, since we're confiding in each other," said the doctor," I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we need new machine at the hospital which cost $20,000." The lawyer was aghast. "I'm ashamed of both of you," he exclaimed. "I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."